Sam W wrote: ...you could come up with a plan for what you're going to do if he's there at the same time you are (e.g. would you leave, occupy yourself to look busy, etc). Even if you don't end up needing them, having plans for what to do can help you feel calmer.
This is a good idea. I like the idea about occupying myself to look busy. I'm actually usually quite busy when I'm there anyways so this is easy enough to accomplish. And I'll make leaving be my plan B.
Kaizen wrote:About email blocking: If you use Gmail, you can set up a rule to automatically delete any email coming from his address.
Or (putting this here for anyone who might read this and find this part useful:) set it to "Skip the inbox", mark it as read, and put a particular label on it, so it's saved somewhere without you having to see or know about it, which I could see as being useful for someone who needs to gather evidence of someone's creepy behavior but doesn't want to unpreparedly be exposed to it.
Thanks, this was really helpful. I've done your second suggestion since I may later want a record of this in case I do decide to report him.
Heather wrote:1) His response, to me, actually sounds like someone STILL harassing you. I actually think he's probably trying to cover his own butt by saying what he did to you. If you did a crummy job, after all, and that's his story, then he gets cover for this really being about his earlier harassment. People who abuse others typically do things like this.
I hadn't really considered this. I guess in part because it's a whole lot easier to think that he is someone who thoughtlessly said something inappropriate this one time, instead thinking of him as being a manipulative person who repeatedly harasses me, and possibly others.
But it's validating, in a way, to hear that too. Because I felt pretty crummy when he said that. I worked hard up until this harassment started, so hearing that my work was disappointing was, well, disappointing. So it's validating to know that I shouldn't feel crummy because the quality of my work has nothing to do with what I did and everything to do with this guy being a harassing creep.
Heather wrote:2) I am very sorry you felt your parents didn't take this seriously or, if they did, that they didn't respond to you in a way that expressed that. Personally, if I had connected someone with someone who would up abusing them in any way at all, I'd be apologizing for making that connection. It stinks that you didn't get that, and I'm sorry you didn't.
Thanks for this. I was really disappointed today to hear my dad casually mentioning the guy's name in conversation, like he had done nothing wrong and was an average regular person.
Redskies wrote:I very much agree with Heather that this guy knows why you're leaving and knows what he did. They nearly-nearly-always do, no matter what they then say and do. His later unpleasant email demonstrates that he knows.
not really sure how to feel about this. Like I said above it's so much easier to think that he's less of a creep than he is. But I am a person who values the truth, so thank you for giving me your assessment of the truth, I think you're probably right that he knows.
Redskies wrote:This kind of harrassment functions as a power play from them. Your detaching yourself from him, getting away from him - effectively refusing to submit to it, in short - was you exerting your own power around your own self (as we all have the full right to do, of course). They don't like that, and it scares them, so they say some nonsense to try to belittle you in a different way, and - like Heather said - to cover their own arse. I'm very sure your work was fine, and I'm sure he had no problem with your work.
Looking back on this, he previously said that my work "looks great" so what you're both saying about him covering his arse seems more and more accurate. (And makes this all the more scary since it means I am dealing with a truly horrible and dangerous individual.)
Redskies wrote:The ick and the ooginess in this situation was 100% on him, not you. Someone who wants to pull a sexist power-play like that will simply do it to anyone around them they can possibly conceive they might get away with it - which is why young women (and woman-presenting people) are so often on the receiving end of this kind of thing, because people like this think that young women are both less than them and aren't powerful. This was all him and his crappy attitudes, and nothing about you at all. You did great.
Thank you so much for this. I feel like crap still but I recognize that the longer I feel this way, the longer I am still thinking about him, the more he wins. So I'm letting myself feel what I feel but I'm not making myself feel any worse.
I know this is not my fault and that he is 100% at fault, but it's so hard to marry what I know to what I feel. And it's so hard to not feel like this doesn't count because it was "so small" because others have had it so much worse. Which is total bunk. In this situation I would say to any other person that it is real and valid, yet I go on feeling this way. Makes me really hate the culture that socialized these feelings and thoughts into my head and told this guy that he can act like this towards women.
I think I've really done everything that I can (aside from reporting which I really appreciate the validation that it is not obligatory) to deal with this. How do I start moving on?
Edited to change a misworded segment.