Am I a virgin?

Questions and discussion about sexual or other abuse or assault, and support and help for survivors.
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This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.

This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
Nerdy
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Am I a virgin?

Unread post by Nerdy »

Hi. I was sexually abused when I was 7 by a close member of my family. I was going through a lot at that age so I didn't even realize I was being raped or question it. I even question it now because the person who did this to me was my sister and people have said that women can't rape other women.
I had a ex boyfriend ask me if I was a virgin and I didn't know . I told him I was because he was my first boyfriend, but I ask myself the same question. My mom said it doesn't matter if I am or not, but I still have issues being to close to others. I told my ex it was because I was just nervous, but I'm confused.
Am I a virgin? Does it matter?
Karyn
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Re: Am I a virgin?

Unread post by Karyn »

First of all, I'm so sorry that your sister abused you, and that you have been told that women can't rape other women: that's absolutely untrue.

In regards to virginity, your mom was sort of on the right track when she said it didn't matter; virginity isn't a physical state or something that has a medical definition, and it's something everyone gets to define for themselves. But, whether it matters is also something that people get to decide for themselves. If it feels important to you to have a concept of virginity and a way to define yourself within that concept, then it's important.

That said, I think most people would agree that virginity - however they choose to define it - is about sex, and abuse is not sex. Sex involves two people who are consenting throughout, and abuse or rape does not fit that definition, so when you're thinking about all of this that's something to consider. We have a couple of articles that might be helpful too as you think about this:
20 Questions About Virginity: Scarleteen Interviews Hanne Blank
What's Sex?

I also want to check in with you about whether or not you've ever gotten any counselling or therapy around the abuse: it's not necessary, but it's something that many abuse survivors find helpful, and if you haven't connected with a counsellor or therapist but would like to we can have a look to see what might be in your area.
"Where there is power, there is resistance." -Michel Foucault
Nerdy
newbie
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Aug 02, 2016 1:05 am
Age: 24
Primary language: English
Pronouns: She
Location: Ontario

Re: Am I a virgin?

Unread post by Nerdy »

Thank you. I have had counseling in the past and it didn't bug me until I started to date. I guess I need to know myself better before I do.
Karyn
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 1407
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 3:00 pm
Age: 39
Awesomeness Quotient: I collect condoms.
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Canada

Re: Am I a virgin?

Unread post by Karyn »

You're very welcome. If you're finding that this is bothering you more at the moment, it might be worth seeking out some counselling again: sometimes we all go through periods where some extra help is useful.
"Where there is power, there is resistance." -Michel Foucault
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