I want to apologize in advance for the length of this post. I know that some of you may see this and decide it's too long to read, and that's perfectly okay! I don't blame you! If anything this will have allowed to get some of my thoughts written down in a somewhat organized manner, so it's okay if I don't get any replies. Thanks anyway for getting this far!
I've got to admit, I've been so lost trying to figure this out. A little bit of harmless (but necessary) background here, I am 20-years-old and I'm not very experienced with relationships. In middle school I had 3 boyfriends (but do those count?), in high school I didn't date at all (though I was asked out), and last summer I had a brief semi-long distance relationship with a guy I met at the restaurant I work at. He lived 4 hours away, but his family had a cabin around where I worked. He was wearing a college shirt, and I mentioned that I happened to attend that college. Turns out not only did we both attend the same college, but we were in the same year. He left the day after we met, but we exchanged numbers and got to know each other pretty well. After a few weeks he asked if he could call me his girlfriend, and I, as someone who desperately wanted a relationship and was excited to have met this boy with whom I shared a lot in common, of course said yes. He traveled up to where I lived a couple of weeks later so that we could spend time together over the weekend in his family's cabin, and I was excited but nervous. Long story short, I have never felt more physically uncomfortable.
He was the perfect gentleman, and we had decided ahead of time to take things slow, but I still hated every second of hanging out with him. Kissing him felt sloppy, and I couldn't see why he seemed to enjoy it so much (or why anyone would enjoy it, for that matter). He loved to cuddle, but I absolutely did not. It got to the point where holding his hand made my skin crawl. He left to go home and was very sad that we would be separated again, but I was relieved. Figured I needed time to adjust to being in a relationship and get wrap my head around the physical intimacy before I saw him at school. But after a month I didn't feel any better; in fact I felt worse. I tried so hard to let myself relax and enjoy being around him, but I couldn't. I had to end things. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me that I couldn't enjoy myself. The guy was certainly attractive, I wanted to be in a relationship, craved romantic, physical closeness with someone, but the idea of kissing a guy suddenly sounded horrible. I didn't enjoy the kisses I'd had in middle school either, but we were all so young- I figured it'd get better with age. It didn't.
Not 2 weeks later I was watching one of my favorite shows, and I felt like I got slapped in the face and punched in the gut all at once. The show was Supergirl, and my favorite character, Alex, was discovering something about herself that she never knew before. A woman on the show, Maggie (an out lesbian), had mistakenly thought Alex was flirting with her. Alex assured her that she wasn't and rushed off. Later in the episode Maggie apologized to Alex for assuming things, and Alex said that she had been thinking. She said that the one area in her life she couldn't make perfect was dating, though she tried to. She never liked being intimate. Just figured that wasn't the way she was wired. She had never thought it could mean anything else, but now she was thinking that maybe there was some truth to what Maggie had insinuated before. I was blown away. It was like looking in the mirror.
Over the past year I've been trying to piece it together in my head. I thought I had crushes on boys when I was younger, but now I'm not so sure. I think maybe when I was really young I just wanted to be their friend, and when I got older I just wanted boys to like me. I was a tomboy growing up and didn't care for girls too much, at least not the ones who were opposed to getting dirty, and I'm fairly certain I never had a crush on a girl my age. But (and this is a big but) I've always adored certain actresses and characters. It started when I was really little and would watch Xena, then Charmed (loved Piper), then NCIS (Abby and Ziva), Agents of SHIELD (Jemma Simmons), Grey's Anatomy (Lexie), Supergirl (Alex), and Person of Interest (Root). There are SO many more, but my point is they're all girls. No matter what show or movie I've ever watched, my favorites were always the girls. It's actually a running joke among friends and family. I would google the actresses' filmographies, watch as much of their work as I could, watch interviews, and stare at pictures. I convinced myself that was normal, but I never told anyone about it. I didn't want people to think I was weird.
Fast forward to last year after I watched my favorite character realize that the reason she never liked being with guys was because she was actually attracted to women and had never let herself consider that option. It's taken me over a year of trying to figure it out, and I'm still so confused. Did I actually have crushes on boys when I was little, or am I making that up? Does "obsessing" over those actresses and female characters mean anything, or is it harmless? Did I really not have crushes on girls my own age, or am I repressing that because I reeeeeeeeally don't want to be gay? I have several gay friends who I am really very close to and I see the struggles they go through. As cowardly as it sounds, I don't want to go through that too. I'm afraid. So I don't know if I can trust my brain to be honest with myself. I want to figure this out, but am terrified at what this could mean. If anyone has any sort of input, as small as it could be, I would really appreciate it.
I'm sorry again for the length of this post. Haha I guess I've been thinking a lot. Kudos if you read the whole thing!