Moving In Worries

[OhHeckDatGurl]

Hey guys,

So... I guess I just want some help. I'm moving in with my boyfriend pretty soon--I basically live there already, I'll just start paying rent and making food now--but I'll be moving with him, his mom, and his brother. I don't know how to feel. At times, I'm excited about being able to live with him. But I'm also stressed, because I'm kind of a messy person, and I don't know that his mom likes me entirely or not, or if it's just because of the mess I make. His brother creeps me out a bit (he's a hermit that doesn't have a job, even though their family is struggling). I also just feel like his mom is judging me all the time, even if she's not, I'm almost scared to ask her, because what if she judges me for thinking that she's judging me!?

To be fair, it's only a temporary move, and we'll be out by January, but even though I'll be paying rent, I feel that because of the existing power structures in the house, it'll never feel like my place. I don't know if anyone can help with any of this, but I also would like to know if moving in would put any additional stress on me and my partner's relationship as well--is there something I may be overlooking there?

You guys are the absolute best! I've been mentioning this website in my papers for my college classes and plan to cite a page for my final project; that's how much I love you all! Thank you!

[Sam W]

Hi OhHeckdatGirl,

Aw, thanks so much for your kind words! It sounds like the move is causing you some stress, which is totally normal given that this is a big life change. You mention some worries about the dynamics of the house and how you'll fit into them. One thing you could try is asking to have a conversation between you, your boyfriend, his mom, and his brother about expectations around noise, cleanliness, chores, etc. That's a really common practice when you're moving in with new roommates (or even when you're moving in with a partner for the first time), because it helps establish some ground rules and expectations so that everyone is on the same page. There may still be issues or misunderstandings, but conversations like that make those situations less likely. Does that conversation sound doable?

While we cant predict what effects the move might have on your relationship, you may indeed experience some changes. Those could be positive changes, like feeling closer or more intimate in your relationship. Or, there could be some adjustments, like learning how to fight or manage conflicts with each other when you don't have your own home to go back to if you need to cool off. If you haven't seen it yet, we've got an article that helps cover some of the basics for helping a move like this go as smoothly as possible: You, Them and a U-Haul: Considering Cohabitation