Is he being manipulative?

[Kayli]

So me and my boyfriend have been dating for two months but still no one knows. At first, he told me that this was about us and no one needed to know. Then, I asked him if he had a problem telling his friends about our relationship but he said no, he just didn't want to announce it, he said "let them discover". Okay, so I let it go. Since he is from East Timor and I am from Portugal I thought that maybe I couldn't understand this situation because of culture differences. But then I met his sister and she was super nice but I realized that she knew nothing about us: about how we met, how no one knew about our relationship and how this was the first time that we went outside together. Yes, because we only saw each other at night at each other's place.

He is really nice and he treats me well, he is always saying how much he loves me and he always kisses me on my forehead.

Since the begining he talks a lot about himself and his family, and I love to listen to him, even if he makes himself the most loved person like "everyone loves me because I make a lot of jokes, they say that without me it's not fun, I don't know why" or "if I ask them to hang out with me even if they don't want to they'll come but if others ask them, they won't make the effort". I always laughed because it was cute, he was like a kid.

But then came conversations that made me feel unconfortable:
"My friends don't know I'm running out of money, I just tell you because you're the only one I trust"
"I can't even buy food with the money I have"
"You know, love is not about saying "I love you", it's about showing it"

I felt really bad about his situation so I would always tell him that if he needed help urgently I will always be here but he just said that all he needed was my love.

Then the semester started and I thought that finally our friends will get to know about us. But every time he passed by me in the university he will act as if he hasn't saw me. I never said anything but I confronted him about our relationship, I told him our relationship was strange and that I'm feeling unconfortable about it, that I felt like if we didn't slept at each other places we won't see each other.I was really angry at that time. He then said that he knew I was going to point out about never going out together and that he wanted to keet this a secret but he had to tell me in order for me to understand. So he showed me how he had just 2€ in his bank account and he explainded me all about his hardships but that he really wants to take me out like normal couples do.

And you know what? I hated myself, I really wanted to cry. How could I be so selfish when my boyfriend is having his own troubles?

Two days after that I was with my friends (which happens that some of them are his friends to) in front of the university and when he saw us he just greeted me as a normal friend and said goodbye as a.normal.friend.
I never mentioned anything about it and he also didn't said anything.

One day he told me he needed to pay his electricity and he needed my help. He didn't know how much it was so I gave him 40€. The day after he texted me this:

"Baby, I thought it was only around 30 or 40€. You know what? Actually it's 81€. This is too much. I can't afford to pay. Today is the last day to pay.
But don't worry baby. I can survive without electricity for a week. I will pay next week when my parents send me money."

What could I do? I told him to come to my house so that I can give him more 40€. But when he came he said that he actually came to give me the first 40€ because it was too much. But I told him it was just this time and to be careful with money for the next month. He gave me the electricity bill in the same day as a proof which I told him wasn't necessary because I believe him.

Today he texted me that he was going out tonight but of course he didn't have money.
"Jina finished her studies so we're all going to have dinner together. But the problem, that is no more a secret, I don't have money. So I was wondering if you could help me with this one. I don't really wanna go but Jina is a really nice person and this is our last dinner together here in Portugal since she'll go back to East Timor. So I feel confuse whether I am going or not."

And because I had no reason to say no, I went to find him in the university to give him the money. Should I point out how he waited for me in a corner where there's no one and he was akways looking around us to be sure that no one saw us?. He didn't even touched me. I felt like a drug dealer.
I had 20€. I asked him if 10€ was enough. He was like "yeah.. it might be...". So I asked him if he was sure. And he said "just in case give me the other 10€".
Well, actually, in Portugal we can pretty much have dinner even with just 5€.I was just hoping for him to have some conscience since the money that I am giving is not mine, it's from my parents.


OMG I get tired just by reading all of it again but there's still so much more but I'm too lazy to explain every little detail.

I do not know what to do. I feel like he is manipulating me by making himself a victim but at the same I feel so bad to think like that because financial hardships are really serious. But for me it does not make sense that he's living alone, just as his sister, if they do not have that much money.
My parents have a company but even so I treat their money as something I will pay back later, that's why I'm living in a house with 7 girls.

Anyway, I know this is complicated. I am confused myself. I want to end this relationship but I'm sure that when I'll try to end it I'll feel as the bad person again. What would you do in my place?

Please, remember that no one is 100% the victim or the bad person in this story, things probably would be different if I was more assertive and it is possible that he doesn't realize what he's doing. Like I said, complicated...

[Mo]

What really stands out to me here is that this is someone who seems to only want to treat you like a romantic partner if you are alone, and not in public. It sounds like he was trying to say "I'm not acknowledging you around other people because I can't afford to take you out anywhere" but...you don't need money to spend time with a partner or be affectionate and friendly with them in public.

His financial situation may indeed be really serious! But it isn't your responsibility to provide for him, especially if he's not willing to even treat you like his girlfriend in public. Some people do financially support their partners, whether that's from time to time or more regularly, but that happens (ideally) when people are in a really committed/stable situation, can communicate about their financial circumstances openly, and can make some sort of plan for how to handle the situation. It sounds like he's not being completely open with you about what he needs or what his situation is, and again: he's not willing to truly treat you like his partner in all situations, which I find worrisome. To be honest: this does sound like manipulation to me, and like someone who's not treating your wellbeing or best interests as a priority.

If you want to end the relationship, I think it's a good idea to do that - if you stay in a relationship out of guilt or wanting to avoid feeling bad, it's not likely that the relationship will start feeling better; the problems that make you want to end it are still going to be around, you know? Do you have a sense of what might make you feel comfortable breaking up with him?