So, it's New Years soon and I just got stood up, as per.
I’m just looking at New Years and where I was last year VS this year and it just feels like the ‘alone’-ness is screaming at me. Which is bullshit. I got straight As, lived alone, successfully navigated and left a relationship that was a beautiful story on it’s own and is now CLOSED closed closed. I got a new sister, I got two incredible brothers. But I just feel awful. Like I’m stuck between this meant-to-be-desire to go chasing kisses and hands and bodies and feeling so desensitized from it all. I don’t know if I actually want it or if its my anxiety screaming im meant to want it. I just haven’t had the time to sit and reorganize my thoughts. Maybe I’ll do more writing tonight and fix it. The anxiety is just getting bad again, I guess. Going through the mall and worrying I’ll see Ex, deciding which shops to go to by whether we ever went there together or not. My best friends, who are dating, are going to spend new years together and have their new years kiss – I forgot that was even a thing! And if I’m being HONEST with myself, last year I was alone, asleep after moving in and Ex was at a party. But he crawled into my bed on January first and I got to hold his sleeping self and it just feels so awful right now. I so viscerally feel the lack of contact. I hate the unpredictably of when I’ll get it, next. It’s terrifying.