healthy relationships?

[raven]

I've realized that all of my past relationships were quite unhealthy. Part of why I messed up was that I grew up in a very abusive environment (especially with emotional abuse), so those guys were an improvement for me. But now I know that an improvement isn't the same as actually being good.

I've been trying to learn about healthy relationships (through resources here and elsewhere) before attempting to date again and have a few questions:

1. A lot of places list "warning signs" for abuse, but few give indications that someone's a good choice. How do I know if I'm with someone who will be good to me?
2. What does a healthy relationship look like? I found a forum post here that said it should feel like family, but I have no idea what that means because of how I grew up. Could someone please give me a better description?
3. In a healthy relationship, what can I expect from my partner, and what can he/she expect from me?

Thanks :)

[Sunshine]

Hey there,

this sounds like a complex subject that the wonderful staff around here can and very likely will give you good information on.

Just a little bit of two-cents-worth from another user: I think an outside perspective is often helpful, because being in love can be kind of blinding in my experience, even if one does have good models for healthy relationships to emulate and / or a helpful family background. Do you have a good friend / relative / mentor of any kind / other reliable connection whom you trust? If so, maybe their impression of potential partners could be an indicator of "good idea" vs "bad idea"?

Also, I find it helpful to consider how the other person behaves to people whom they aren't in love with either, like their friends, their family, their coworkers, etc.

Best wishes to you!

[Mo]

Hi raven,
Here are some articles on our site that are a good place to start:
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

One thing that might also be helpful to read is this column on the always-rad Captain awkward site, about "green flags" that signify a healthy or promising relationship: http://captainawkward.com/2012/07/16/30 ... wesome-yn/ There's a lot of good user input in the comments, so you can see the different things that can stand out to different people.

For me, a healthy relationship is one I feel good about when I'm with the person and when I'm by myself. It means I'm with someone who supports me but doesn't try to fix my problems for me, who I feel comfortable enough with to let them see me at my most unattractive or embarrassing moments, who doesn't get jealous at the fact that I have my own life, friends, and interests. Part of a healthy relationship for me is being with someone who likes and will compliment me without putting me on a pedestal and who wants to spend time with me but lets me have time to myself, too (and who has their own interests & needs their own time alone).

Do you have close friendships that feel healthy and supportive to you? At the base of most strong, healthy romantic relationships is the same sort of foundation you'll find in platonic friendships, so if you have any of those for reference, that might be a helpful thing to think about.