How do I make the next move?

Questions and discussions about relationships: girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, partners, friends, family or other intimate relationships in your lives.
xmivvix
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How do I make the next move?

Unread postby xmivvix » Tue Nov 07, 2017 2:49 am

I recently met this guy at a party and we hit it off. He asked for my number but, as I had been drinking, my "independent woman who doesn't nee no man" alter ego had kicked in and I declined. The next day I felt like I should have given him my number, so I found his Instagram and direct messaged him giving him my number. To my surprise he immediately texted me asking what I was up to that night. Unfortunately I was out of town and was unable to hang out with him.
A week or so later I got a message from him. We ended up hanging out and going to a party with so friends. One thing led to another and after quite a few alcoholic beverages we went back to my apartment and had some of the best sex I have ever had in my entire life.
I had work early in the morning so we both woke up and I quickly got ready and drove him back to his car. When he left he said to text him sometime so we could hang out again.

I would really love to get to know this guy better, but I am very shy and not good at making moves. I also feel guilty because I had sex with him the second time we had ever met... I am not very good at casual sex.

I want to get to know this man better and possibly see if this could turn into some sort of relationship, but I also don't want to just wait around to see if he will text me back. I don't want this to just end up being a one night stand but I also am afraid of being rejected if I do end up reaching out to him again.

HELP! I know I am over thinking all of this but I really would just love some advice.

Sam W
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Re: How do I make the next move?

Unread postby Sam W » Tue Nov 07, 2017 9:01 am

Hi xmivvix,

Since it sounds like he indicated to you that he wanted you to text him so you could see each other again, I think your best bet right now is to take him at his word and go ahead and text him (if you haven't already) and see where it goes from there.

You mention feeling guilty over having sex with him so soon. Can I ask what the reasoning behind that guilt is?

xmivvix
newbie
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Nov 07, 2017 2:37 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: My sense of humor
My primary language: English
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: bicurious
Location: Los Angeles

Re: How do I make the next move?

Unread postby xmivvix » Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:26 pm

Thank you for replying!
I feel guilty for having sex with him so soon just because I am really bad at one night stands, or having sex with someone I don't know. I have nothing wrong with people who do this, I am somewhat envious of them actually, but for myself, I am unable to separate emotional and physical feelings.
For some reason, I feel like I have now ruined all chances of this person viewing me as someone they would want to date.
This may be because of my previous relationship, which was very toxic and emotionally abusive. I have this feeling that I am not good enough to be involved with someone, and because of that I am very hesitant to make a move.
I was in my last relationship for 4 years, so I have never really dated anyone or pursued anyone, and I am really unsure as to how I start that process.

What are your feelings on this?

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Re: How do I make the next move?

Unread postby Heather » Wed Nov 08, 2017 2:06 pm

I'm so sorry to hear you feeling that way about yourself, and sorry that you had to survive abuse of any kind.

I think it might help to just remind yourself -- because if you think this about you, you honestly probably DO also think it about others, which will inform your own judgment of yourself in this way -- that someone having had sex outside any kind of commitment or ongoing relationship doesn't assign them a value of any kind, including a value or lack of value as someone with whom to enter into an ongoing intimate relationship with.

You have not ruined your chances because of that unless that's how you or this person think, in other words. If you or someone else think the way I do up there about value and all this, it's a non-issue.

Heck, it can sometimes even be a thing that inclines someone to seek out a relationship more because they had an intimate experience with you already with sex, and now know they want to explore more kinds of intimacy with you. Since it sounds like you had a great time, changes are good he did, too, so it sure wouldn't be surprising if he -- like you -- DID want to see more of you. :)

You're good enough -- of course you are -- and this sounds like something you really want, and also have had at least some experience that suggests could be a really great thing for you. So, what help do you need to go ahead and make contact with him again to seek and pursue what you really want here? Can we help? Cheering minion GIFs, maybe, or letting you know you can pop back here to vent or whatever if you on't get the kind of response you wanted, or...?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead


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