Hello. I posted a few threads a couple of months ago (and received some incredibly supportive/helpful responses), illustrating the shame/guilt I was going through after having intercourse for the first time. This happened in September, and it is something that still bothers me even now (4+ months later).
There's still so much fear - I'm just stuck on this repetitive fear of being pregnant and feeling so much guilt because I "lost" my virginity (to someone I'm not in a relationship with and don't consider anything more than a friend now). I've lost count of all the pregnancy tests I've taken at this point and somewhere, logically, I understand it's not going to happen.
I suppose because pregnancy/childbirth/child-rearing is my greatest fear in life, that is the ultimate "punishing" consequence for having sex...Typing that out, I realize how distorted that view is.
I know having kids is something I don't want for my life. However, why can't I just be normal and view pregnancy and sex positively for myself? I don't judge anyone like I do myself...I think people who choose to have kids are great and I support them. I support people who choose any kind of sex for themselves as long as it's consensual...So why can't I think of myself that way, too? Why do I hold myself to such a judgmental standard with these issues?
Four months later - I still wake up and my first thought is "you had a real risk of pregnancy", "you had sex, you are bad", "you are forever changed"...So much anxiety and mental energy is spent obsessing on this topic. I just want to live my life in peace again.
Sorry, I know I didn't really ask anything concrete. I suppose I just wanted to get this out somewhere. Maybe someone has gone through something similar.
Thanks for reading.