Intimacy and emotional needs

[LittleEloise]

Me & my bf have been dating for almost 2 years. We're both inexperienced so we've been taking it slow. He's sweet & caring but incredibly shy, altough if I ask something of him he'll probably do it without much fuss. I've noticed that sometimes after we're intimate (not VP but heavy kissing&grinding&such) I kinda need him to confort me or hug me tight or smth, but he mostly hugs me a wee bit then releases me & caresses me lightly. I'm super shy so I struggle to let him know I needed support afterwards, and when he obviously didn't do as I wanted (he's not a mind reader after all!) I got sad & defensive. I know it's not his fault, and either way he's been slowly getting the hint. I was thinking, is it normal to need such comforts after a moment of intimacy? Even when I objectively know he cares about me & wouldn't hurt me on purpose? I've been thinking I may just need to tell him bluntly: I enjoy what we do, but I think I kinda need more snuggling & comfort afterwards. I've been thinking this need might be bc of my own insecurities about him not enjoying himself (even if I do enjoy myself, & in the moment I'm not thinking about that) I know he probably enjoys himself, he likes me & finds me physically attractive but, is it normal to feel insecure to the point of needing some kind of physical reassurance? I've been seriously considering the possiblity of having sexual intercourse with him (basically VP or oral sex, in the beginning) but I've reached the conclusion it might be better to wait until I no longer need the inmediate reassurance he enjoyed himself (and me). Maybe I just need some more time to improve with the self love. But I just wanted the input of the community. What do you guys think?

[Sunshine]

I think it's perfectly normal to want to cuddle after sex and also to feel vulnerable and in need of warmth and affection. I have been in a relationship for years now and I love sex, I am as sure as I think possible that I am loved and desired, and I am still a snuggler and if my partner didn't wrap himself around me after the intensity of sleeping with each other, I would feel exposed and a little sad.

Do tell your boyfriend how you feel and what you want. If he wants something else, you will have to find some compromise, but you'll never know until you ask, will you?

Oh, and I also think it's fine and normal to feel insecure when sex is still something fairly new in your life.

[Ashleah]

Hi LittleEloise,

Wanting intimacy is completely normal! I agree with Sunshine that you should talk to your partner about how you feel.

Sounds like you are trying to decide what ways you want to be sexually intimate with your partner. We have A LOT of great stuff on the main site that might help you navigate this decision. I will say that it sounds like you have some doubts or that you aren't completely comfortable with the idea of having sex. It's okay to be (potentially) nervous but you don't want to be uncomfortable, so I think it is a good sign that you are already exploring some of your needs and things you need to feel good about sex.

Here are a few of the links focused on intimacy, communication, and boundaries. It's a lot of information but can you take a look at them and tell me what sticks out as relating to you and your situation?

Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist