I'm so tired of being judged

[Rainbowhooves]

I lost my virginity about 4 months ago at the age of 22. I've always practiced abstinence in my past relationships, I've been in four. My mother always told me to wait until marriage and would always make me feel terrible about anything sexual. I've had four relationships.

My first boyfriend I dated in high school for about 2 years. We did nothing expect touch each other over clothing once or twice.

I did absolutely nothing with my second boyfriend

My third boyfriend things got more sexual but not all the way

I lost my virginity to my fourth and current boyfriend.

My mom always has made scared and ashamed of anything sexual. In high school I wasnt allowed to go to my boyfriend's house and once I was sitting on his lap (He was a bit too close it was a mistake) and she FLIPPED. We also took a picture in a hotel room once on a school trip and she became very mad and my family began to gossip. With my second relationship she once approached me and said " I bet youre not a virgin anymore ,huh? " although I was. It made me feel bad like my virginity was everything.

Then I met my third boyfriend. Off the bat I figured abstinence wasnt something I needed to establish because it had never been a problem for me Our relationship "grew" and I began to fall off the "waiting for marriage thing" after all the crap I've gotten from the people around me about sex. About how it was a must and abstinence was wrong (I hear that way too much ) . The day he told me he "loved" me I told him I was waiting until marriage. He became furious . I was shocked . He sat there thinking and I began to negotiate with him , giving myself from years to months. I'm not sure why I did that, maybe love , maybe the first adult relationship I had where everything was new. He said he wasnt going to break up with me over waiting and I thought it was out of love . As the months went on , we tried things like manual sex (just hand jobs) and I would always ask him if he was sexually frustrated and if us not having sex was okay. He would always say yes. I had developed an OCD of fear of contamination . He began to make me feel bad if I was disgusted by his ejaculation and sperm. We broke up a couple of times as I felt he wasnt emotionally invested but we would get back together. I went on a trip to my parent's home country for vacation in a tropical island. My father got a heart attack there and passed . As they rushed his body to the hospital ,he was the first one I called. I quickly switched my trip back to the states , leaving my mother and brother behind (They stayed another week) . I got back home and stayed with him the first night. I came back home to find we had bedbugs as well as my pet passing as well. I got into a fight with my sister over things that happened during my trip and my father's passing . My ex best friend also entered my life again as I reached out to her in desperation but she only stayed for about two days. My life was literally crubling around me then.

The pressure began .
During my dads funeral I was telling my boyfriend I would have sex with him as life was too short and though about it during the funeral. I just didnt want to lose anyone else. After I got back I had a very strange discharge coming from my vaginal area, I went to get it checked out and the whole process was so painful. They stuck things in there , I left crying. He didnt care I had green discharge , he wanted to have sex that night. I said no and we just slept. He wasnt there for me , we broke up over the phone while I was on the floor I was sleeping on . He ignored my calls ,ingored my messages. It was terrible , my father passed away a few days ago and I was completely alone. In my mind I could just say "I need him . I dont want to be alone" eventually I got a hold on him. We met up at the park where I told him I didnt want to go on birth control. He flipped and said "It's been 6 months , how long do you expect me to wait?!" I was in shock and cried in public in the city full of people . We got back together that day after I told him ill give him a blow job . He agreed. He had treated me like shit prior as I was basically begging him to get back together all in the span of about a week. Eventually I got myself together, called him and told him I would never have sex with him. I deleted his number, profile off Facebook, pictures, everything and it began. I was thrown into depression and I found out that two weeks later he had lost his virginity on the second date to some girl he met online. (He had this profile during the two days we were together) . I didnt eat for weeks, stayed up some nights, work up everyday at 6am , wouldnt go outside, cried everywhere . This went on or about 3 months. I thought of sex as evil, as wrong , and something that had ruined my life. I kept telling myself that I should've just slept with him. I was so scared of getting STDs or getting pregnant that I couldnt but he kept saying "It's just what people do" and making it not a big deal . He convinced me that I was being paranoid and it was OCD. I ended up going to therapy .

Fast forward 4 months , I start dating my current boyfriend. We hit it off. He tells me sex isnt important to him . He doesn't mind waiting and he had waited two years with his ex before they had sex and another year for his other ex. He told me we were never breaking up . I got really drunk one night and he ended up giving me oral and I gave it to him too. First time I had ever done that. We made 3 months together, we both already had expressed our loves to each other. He was not expecting sex. One day 3 months in we were in his room and laying down. I just told him to go get condoms. It felt so dull. I just wanted to get it over with. I wanted to not be paranoid about it . It's just what people do right? I didnt want to go through it again so we had sex that night. He was careful and made sure to make it as painless as possible although it did hurt. We had more sex. I felt bad every single time. I felt dirty and wrong . I got to a point where all I wanted was sex . We had a whole week of sex where we went at it about 3 times a day . It got a little out of hand to a point where I would be made if we didnt have sex. I dont know why my drive was so high . I felt bad because I wasnt a virgin anymore. I have to share a bed with my mom because we dont have space and I no longer want to share a room with my 32 year old and 16 year old brothers . I'm trying to move out by next year (that's another story). Anyways sometimes ill be lying down in bed and look over and just realize that (I mean it's bad enough that im 23 and have to share a bed with my mom ) .

I went on a trip with my boyfriend on Saturday and before I left I had gotten my period . I asked my mom if I could go into the water with a tampon. She told me I couldnt use one because I am a virgin then asked my if I was a virgin. I said yes and felt terrible because I lied. I actually have had so much sex , more then 40 times in the last 4 months . So we went on our amazing trip and stayed in a hotel together. We did have sex . Before we did we had agreed that it would be the last time and we would go back to abstinence because sex made me sad and I always worried about pregnancy ( My boyfriend always suggested it and didnt want to stress me out . He had stopped me from sex in the past to double check if I was ok with it ). This morning I woke up and my mom questioned my trip and asked me where I stayed. I said a hotel and she said loudly "WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND????" . I lied and said a female friend went with us .She asked why she wasnt in the pictures so I told her she went for work related things. She was so judgmental and loud. I felt terrible , dirty , and wrong. I feel like sex is wrong because im not married but then even so still feel sex is wrong. I feel like a hypocrite because I have sex. I feel like a bad person.

I went to the hospital for vaginal itching and I felt so dirty . The nurse just said "Shes sexually active" which I guess means GO AT IT because they stuck a spectrum in there and fingers . It was so so painful. My legs were shaking when we were done and the doctor just said "Give this nice girl a follow up appointment ." and patted me on the shoulder because he felt bad. I've been asked by my doctor why im not on birth control and I just cant take the judgement. They way they look at me . I just cant . One time the condom broke and I took Plan B, I had bleeding for days and went to the hospital. The doctor looked like he felt bad for me . My mom called it the "abortion pill" in the past. She has no idea. I went to planned parenthood once for birth control and I wanted to vomit .The waiting room made me want to cry.

Sex has gone so wrong for me . I was almost used for it , it causes me pain and emotional distress. I feel like sex is evil but I dont know if I should feel that way.....

[Sam W]

Hi Rainbowhooves,

That's a lot to deal with, and I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Sex is certainly not evil, but it sounds like you've gotten a whole bunch of conflicting messages and pressures around it from your parents and partners, which is confusing and exhausting to deal with.

I have a few thoughts. One is to take some time to read pieces on Scarleteen about sex, abstinence, shame, and how to make the choices you feel are best when it comes to those things. Then , sit down and start thinking about what you, not your parents, partners, doctors, or anyone else, thinks about and feels about sex. Having a more solid sense of what your values are will make it easier to feel grounded amidst all the pressure.

I also want to encourage you to let go of the guilt you feel around your choices. You made them, you dealt with the fall-out, and now it's time to try and stop beating yourself up over them. Sex and relationships are a learning process, and a place where it's all too easy to make a decision where you go "okay, that was not actually a good call." Doing that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human.

Also, how do you feel around your family and at home. Do you feel safe and supported by them or no?

Finally, I want to encourage you to maybe switch OB-BYNs. The way you describe your appointment is really not good, and you might lose some of the bad feelings around this if you're able to find a doctor who is more understanding.

[Rainbowhooves]

I've already spoken with my boyfriend and we have decided to try abstinence for a minimum of 6 months .

I cant get a new GYN until I get paper work im waiting for a job from my old doctor. It's very stressful because im paranoid and worry I have cervical cancer or something. I just want to be "okay" . I'm happy my boyfriend is on board with this and is fine with it. Sometimes he has to suffer the effects of my last ex with my paranoia and fear of sex. It makes me sad .

[Heather]

Do you have access to a library or money to buy books?

I ask, because some of what you say here gives me a clue that a book I really love from a friend and colleague would be just perfect for you. If you can get your hands on it, it's "What You Really, Really Want," by Jaclyn Friedman. Basically, it's a combo of prose and workbook to help women figure out what THEY want when it comes to sex, so it's got a great focus on you, which sounds like the person who keeps getting lost in the shuffle of everyone else's wants and opinions here.