Curiosity and "Bad" Timing

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BuddyBoi21
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Curiosity and "Bad" Timing

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Mon Apr 15, 2019 7:07 am

Alright so, I am in a bit of a bind here.
I recently got into a committed relationship (somewhat by accident) and my current girlfriend has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and is very monogamous.

I lowkey have some issues with vulnerability, commitment and "settling down" that I actively working on and feel may be more defense mechanisms than a preference.
However, I am very curious about "bottoming", men/masculine sex partners and polyamory.
I can no longer go out and explore these things (at least not for a super long time) because of my current partner is in need of security and is very much monogamous.

This all being said, I don't know if my views have shifted and I'm curious because I'm trying to defend myself from emotional pain or if I simply don't view monogamy the same anymore (view an older post from the staff only boards: The Risk of Being Alone for more context). I love my girlfriend ad greatly appreciate her but I recognize a small, screaming part of me wants to still explore and f*ck around so to speak.

Heather
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Re: Curiosity and "Bad" Timing

Unread postby Heather » Mon Apr 15, 2019 7:18 am

Can you fill me in first on what you man about getting into monogamy by accident? I'm sure you know why I'm asking: exclusivity and others kinds of commitment are supposed to be agreements we willingly make with people (if and when we do), not things that happen to us, or that others decide for us. If you're not intentionally in monogamy, and it's not actually a thing you want, we should probably talk about how you can make that clear to this person.

If they apparently need monogamy to the point that you (or others) don't get actual choices or feel like it's safe or sound for you to make a choice if it's something this person doesn't like or want you to make, that's not healthy for anyone.

I'd say it's extra-extra not healthy and super red-flaggy in a relationship where the person pushing their wants (and presenting them as needs) unto or over others -- assuming that's what's happening here -- has BPD. Then on top of that, this seems to be happening in something you got in right after, if I remember this right, you and your therapist agreed it probably wasn't a good idea for you to enter into/pursue another major romantic relationship anytime soon, period. My spidey sense is just on overdrive with this so far, you know?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

BuddyBoi21
not a newbie
Posts: 50
Joined: Thu Sep 27, 2018 8:16 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: My Eyes
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Location: United States

Re: Curiosity and "Bad" Timing

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Mon Apr 15, 2019 8:54 pm

That's a completely fair and valid response with the way I've described things so far.
When I say accidentally, I mean I had no intention of being in a relationship with this person. Like I didn't expect her to want more from me than just f*cking around.

We got together because we kept seeing each other and while I achknowledged I was not pursuing other romantic partners and kept going out of my way to see her after the first few days/weeks of hanging out she very directly wanted to know where things were going.

I felt my initial hesitence and my bubbling curiosity of poly relationships may be due to my nervousness around long term relationships and the relationships ending. It's why despite what's going on I just don't really care and want to take things as they come.

Also somewhat recently, my therapist and I discussed that a relationship won't be a necessarily bad thing and that approaching them from a healthier mindset won't hurt me even if I'm basically taking a leap of faith at this point.

I've been out of my previous relationship for about 5-6 months and I don't know what I'm doing anymore and that's okay.

My girlfriend didn't say they needed monogamy but felt now would not be the best time to explore polyamory for fear of losing me to another partner and because we would agree on a more feminine partner but she would feel that I would like that partner more.

I really like her and if this ends for whatever reason I'll take this as an opportunity to grow and move on.

As for the other aspects of this post, I am curious but I will be fine overall. I was hoping there would be a way to better process these feelings since I currently cannot act on them.

Heather
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My Awesomeness Quotient: I know every word of The Lorax by heart.
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Location: Chicago

Re: Curiosity and "Bad" Timing

Unread postby Heather » Tue Apr 16, 2019 7:44 am

That gives me some more information that certainly answers some of my concerns. Thanks for being understanding and mellow about the fact that I had and voiced concerns.

I do think that it's important to talk about if YOU want monogamy or not, and if you feel able to say if you don't. I also think it's important when you're in a relationship with someone with BPD to just be extra cautious about if you're doing anything (or not) because you feel like you're walking on eggshells, or if that person has, in any way, set things up so that they make all of what they want needs so the other person feels they don't have real choices. If you don't mind my asking, are you telling your therapist the same things you're telling us about this relationship? If not, I'd just suggest you do: they're going to be a potentially great resource for you in having a relationship with someone with BPD, which really is it's whole own thing as a thing, if you get me.

But if you actually WANT to try monogamy for yourself, then obviously this is a whole different situation.

I think what might be most helpful to you in this is just to share some super-basic stuff that I've generally done for myself as someone who has lived in and with both frameworks, and who generally prefers sexually open/nonexclusive frameworks and agreements, but has also spent a lot of time in exclusivity, some I did want and felt good about, some when I was honestly over it.

I think it's helpful to remind yourself this is a choice and an option, and you can always change your mind. So, if it turns out you really do want to follow up on this curiosity and date others, you will have the choice to do that. All of this is about choices.Same goes with this choice being about what you want and feels right for you. If monogamy feels like the right things now, but stops feeling that way later, you get to make different choices later and ask for different things. You say you can't explore these things "for a super long time," but that'll only be true if that's the choice you have made and keep making.

You can engage in fantasy as much as you want to, whether that's just in your head, something you bring to masturbation, or, if your partner is into it, something you bring into your sexual partnership as either fantasy or role-play.

I would challenge you on the idea that poly = noncommittal. Poly relationships can be -- and many are -- as committed and daily and long-term and involved as monogamous ones, sometimes even more so. In fact, it's one of the last places I'd suggest someone who doesn't want to make commitments go exploring, tbh. You might also figure you can use some of this time to think about if what you want is poly, or what you want looks more like plain old dating. Sometimes being exclusive for a while does allow you some time and breathing room -- and also the experience of being exclusive -- to get more of an idea of what you do really want. :)
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead


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