I feel like my story is long but this looks like the perfect place to post. This site has been very helpful to me before. I've been in the same relationship for 6 years now. We were engaged by the end of our first year but never got married due to many things, lack of money, living space, some drug issues on his part and some bad times. When we got together, every single person we knew was pregnant, had all their kids at once. My boyfriend was unhappy with me not being interested in pregnancy back then. He used to fight with me but dropped it over the years. I was on hormonal birth control to regulate my period a few months before we were together, so I just stayed on it till present time. As time passed, things changed, I began to become more interested in being a parent someday. My family is old fashioned though and I really wanted to be married and have a good job, I feared my parents would be let down if I didn't do it that way. My boyfriend was focusing more on religion in recent years and commented I should go off the pill because it was better to live naturally but didn't push me and I brushed it off. But this year, things got all strange out of nowhere. First, I noticed several girls I graduated with had babies, shared it on Facebook, and while one part of me is the OLD me, saying "Ew, diapers and birth pictures", another part was mesmerized about the process of being a new mom. Then, I find out an ex much younger than me, an ex I ditched for my current BF, is having a baby out of nowhere with his 20 year old girlfriend and even though they have no marriage/home/plan, they looked crazily happy. Take it I never even liked this guy, I got rid of him, I found myself oddly envious of what they had and out of nowhere get this horrible feeling I'm infertile and will never have that. The reason I think that is because over these last 6 years, I have missed a pill here and there, took some late and nothing ever remotely happened, no thoughts of ever being pregnant. And My BF, he has a big history, that suddenly came to haunt me as well. He was a teen dad 12 years ago, he got with an older girl who was divorced with a toddler and said they "tried" to get pregnant back then. And they had a baby son within a year and raised him till age 3, but they were using drugs and the kids were taken to child services. He saw the boy on supervised visits until someone else adopted him and ended up finding out he wasn't the father anyway, the girl had cheated. That was when I first met him in 2006 and we casually dated but I was young, in school, just got out of a controlling relationship and panicked when I heard about the kid. I ran and left the relationship go and he didn't even care because he had a drug problem then. We end up getting serious in 2009 and with his anger issues over those early years, I wondered if he was taking his anger at the first girl out on me, since he always used to suspect ME of cheating and doing him wrong. BUT things calmed over the years and we've been doing better, I'm hoping we can get married next year and we're looking for a place, I've never left my parents house and he had some issues and had to move back to his parents as well. We can't live together here so that's why we eventually have to get our own place. And the old girlfriend? She got clean and remarried someone else, has a new kid, she got her teen daughter (The former toddler) back and her old son is with his new family. They do not let my BF see him anymore. But the final blow was I ended up sorting all these old pictures my BF's mom gave me and I found EVERY single one of his life with Girl #1, all their hospital pictures, family pictures, first Christmas with the kids and it ROCKED my world. This occured last month and I'm still reeling, I was flooded with all these wild feelings. Everything from sadness to envy to anger to regret and obsession. Maybe I should have put the pictures away, I scanned every one and keep looking at them. I felt regret over leaving him back in the beginning, running away because I thought he had baggage. I saw how happy he looked taking care of those kids, he was like a whole new person, he looked better, healthier, happy and like he didn't need drugs then. I was jealous thinking this other girl got what I missed and he already lived the family life with someone else and I couldn't even BE his first for that. I get angry over how they threw it away with the mistakes they made. I literally cried, felt nervous around him for a week like he was a new guy, felt oddly closer, I swear I even hallucinated that I "felt" pregnant, like something was there and I was some kind of miracle getting pregnant on birth control. I wanted to quit taking my pills twice but every new pack, I tell myself to keep on them. I seriously started planning our wedding, knowing if I make it there, my family can't criticize me for being pregnant unmarried, I tell myself if this wedding is serious, I need this last year to plan and get it done, I can stop taking the pills next year. But it's like there's some kind of strange conflict. The rational old me that pencils things in says to wait, follow my insta-plan. The new crazy me says to just quit the pills. I did talk a little about this to my BF, did admit I was envious of his past and scared of my family but he brushes that past off, says he didn't "have a baby" since that girl was lying the whole time. Says I didn't "miss anything with him". He tells me how it would change my life in amazing ways to be a parent but says he wants to wait and settle down though. This coming from the guy who USED to rip my head off for hating on prenancy. The crazy me even says to go to the store and buy "st. Johns Wort"...I read it specifically deactiviates birth control and I did use to take it for mild depression but quit because of that. Part of me and saying "I dare you"...I'm not hearing voices, don't worry but this inner conflict is always on my mind now. I don't know if I stated this but I'm 29 years old. I do hear things about the 30s being pregnant gets harder. I didn't even realize my 20s are over soon. I do plan to talk with my nurse about this, I have an annual well woman exam in 2 more months. I was going to ask them about getting off the pills and if they can tell whether I'm infertile or not. My BF thinks he's infertile because the only time that other girl was pregnant was by the one other guy she cheated with. He says he was unprotected long ago with other girls and no one ever got pregnant. I don' t know if that's enough reasoning and I don't think he's affected by other's pregnancies anymore...but suddenly I AM. I just needed someone to talk to, this is the most honest and best site I've ever used. I don't talk to any of the women around me about this, my mom and I don't really share personal things so there was no one. If anyone read this, thank you for your time. Sorry so long but I appreciate any feedback!