Vaginismus (Pain during sex)

[Struggling101]

Hello, I’m a 17 nearly 18 year old Female and I’ve tried to have sex 3 times, all a few weeks / months apart. Every time I’ve been in the mood and wanted it to happen, but I’ve always had an underlying fear of insertion.

Every time we’ve tried my boyfriend has struggled to get his penis inside of me, he described trying to get it in as like a ‘push’ which obviously doesn’t sound right. And as this happens I am in searing pain to the point of grabbing on to the first thing I can and screaming stop stop. It feels as if my insides are tearing apart.

After the third time I got over the ‘sex is painful first tome’ type stereotype and decided something just wasn’t right. It took a lot of mental determination but I eventually visited the doctors about a month ago.

The doctor seemed very helpful she diagnosed me with a condition called ‘vaginismus’ which is the involuntarily tensing / spasm of muscles when something is inserted into the vagina. She told me this may be linked to an anxiety as after examination there was no clear physical cause.

She offered me Vaginal Dilators (which are effectively plastic devices of graduated sizes designed to be inserted in to the Vagina to get it used to insertion.) Or the other offer was Psychosex Counselling (something like that.) I didn’t like the idea of either of these things as I’ve had counselling and CBT for a different anxiety before and didn’t think it was very effective, but since I have a fear of insertion the dilators also sound scary, but they also made sense.

I asked to give the dilators a go and the doctor said they could be prescribed within a week. This wasn’t the case as it’s now been a month, I haven’t been able to get these things prescribed to me, I’ve called the doctors surgery about 3 times and been in once since the appointment and am still none the wiser.

Honestly this whole situation has stressed me out more, so much for the doctors helping. I just want to be normal, the thought of never being able to have Vaginal intercause pains me.

For those wondering about my boyfriend, we’ve been together 6 months, both virgins before this experience. I feel bad for him that his first time ended up being this mess. He’s a supportive person but he struggles sometimes, think he finds the whole thing a bit weird to think about like I guess he just expected normality and that isn’t the case, so when I begin to get upset about the situation i get the impression he just doesn’t know what to say to me. On the other hand he isn’t pressuring me for sex or anything along those lines.

The point of this post is I’m just wondering if anyone else here has had any sort of experience with this condition, or even if you haven’t, because I understand it isn’t awfully common, if you had any words of advice that would be nice. I don’t really have anywhere to go as absolutely no one relates to my situation and the whole thing is just really really getting me down.

[Sam W]

Hi Struggling101,

First off, good job going to a healthcare provider when you thought something was wrong. That's a great step in taking care of yourself. With getting the dilators, have they given you any explanation for the delay in getting them to you?

Something it might help you to do is also to think about why the idea of possibly not being able to have vaginal intercourse is so painful to you. There are plenty of people who never engage in vaginal sex with a partner who still have happy, fulfilling sex lives. Identifying what things you fear you might lose by not having it, and then thinking of other ways to create those things, may help you feel better on that front.

[Heather]

I just want to add a couple of things for you, Struggling101. Vaginismus isn't something I have struggled with myself, but I'm very familiar with it, and have talked a lot of people through it over the years. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this: it really is a big struggle for most people with it, especially for people or in relationships where there's this idea that only intercourse IS sex, or that what a "normal" sex life is is one that includes vaginal intercourse by default.

For one, I'm with Sam: they need to get you your dilators. It's totally unacceptable you don't have them yet, and while you shouldn't have to push them to do their job, it sounds like you do need to be more aggressive about getting them and other follow-up care. If we can be of any help in doing that, please let us know. Probably, though, all you should need to do is make a few very clear, assertive phone calls where you ask for what you were prescribed for your health condition and make clear all you want id for your healthcare team to do the basics of their job with this.

Really, dilators do tend to be what works best for people, so getting your hands on those is important. For one, they could start to help you recover and turn this around, but you also need to know if they aren't going to do the job, because then it probably is going to be essential for you to get some other care, probably counseling. I think I understand why you might feel reluctant about that, but ultimately, vaginismus is an issue of the body responding to your psychological feelings, so if the feelings can shift, so, too, will often what your muscles are doing in response to them. CBT and other kinds of therapies you may have had for your anxiety probably aren't going to be the same kind you'd get for vaginismus, but that's something you'd talk with a therapist about before working with them.

In the meantime, how is the rest of your sex life with your boyfriend? In other words, are there ways of being sexual together you both do enjoy and that does feel good for you, rather than painful?

[Struggling101]

Hi Struggling101,

First off, good job going to a healthcare provider when you thought something was wrong. That's a great step in taking care of yourself. With getting the dilators, have they given you any explanation for the delay in getting them to you?

Something it might help you to do is also to think about why the idea of possibly not being able to have vaginal intercourse is so painful to you. There are plenty of people who never engage in vaginal sex with a partner who still have happy, fulfilling sex lives. Identifying what things you fear you might lose by not having it, and then thinking of other ways to create those things, may help you feel better on that front.

Hello! Apologised for the late response.

I've been back to the GP since my first post, they told me that they couldn't be prescribed (goodness knows why but I wasn't going to argue for the sake of £25.) So I bought the dilators myself.

For a start I'd like a family when I'm older, and I'd preferably like to have my own child (despite fears of labour but I guess that almost comes alongside the whole vaginismus fear) so that's one reason the thought of not being able to have vaginal intercourse scares me. Secondly I just want to be 'normal' if I'm honest. A very high percentage of woman can have vaginal intercourse without problems, I'd like to not be within the minority. I feel if I cannot have vaginal intercourse it would negatively affect both my love life and sex life.

[Struggling101]

I just want to add a couple of things for you, Struggling101. Vaginismus isn't something I have struggled with myself, but I'm very familiar with it, and have talked a lot of people through it over the years. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this: it really is a big struggle for most people with it, especially for people or in relationships where there's this idea that only intercourse IS sex, or that what a "normal" sex life is is one that includes vaginal intercourse by default.

For one, I'm with Sam: they need to get you your dilators. It's totally unacceptable you don't have them yet, and while you shouldn't have to push them to do their job, it sounds like you do need to be more aggressive about getting them and other follow-up care. If we can be of any help in doing that, please let us know. Probably, though, all you should need to do is make a few very clear, assertive phone calls where you ask for what you were prescribed for your health condition and make clear all you want id for your healthcare team to do the basics of their job with this.

Really, dilators do tend to be what works best for people, so getting your hands on those is important. For one, they could start to help you recover and turn this around, but you also need to know if they aren't going to do the job, because then it probably is going to be essential for you to get some other care, probably counseling. I think I understand why you might feel reluctant about that, but ultimately, vaginismus is an issue of the body responding to your psychological feelings, so if the feelings can shift, so, too, will often what your muscles are doing in response to them. CBT and other kinds of therapies you may have had for your anxiety probably aren't going to be the same kind you'd get for vaginismus, but that's something you'd talk with a therapist about before working with them.

In the meantime, how is the rest of your sex life with your boyfriend? In other words, are there ways of being sexual together you both do enjoy and that does feel good for you, rather than painful?

Thank you, this post was nice and reassuring to read, again sorry for the delayed response.

As I told Sam, I went back to my GP regarding the dilators only to be told they couldn't be prescribed. To avoid argument I went and purchased a set of (NHS... what a joke) dilators myself a few days back. I've given them 1 go and the whole process went through me, it wasn't painful as such as I used the smallest size, just uncomfortable and made me squirm as I could feel my muscles kind of spasming out. I don't think it helps that I'm not 100% certain how to use them effectively, I've done a lot of reading about the topic but sources contradict themselves.

I have also got myself on a waiting list for some form of Sex Therapy, I'm not sure what it entails as of yet but the doctor has apparently referred me there so I'm expecting a letter some time soon. I'm hoping the Sex Therapist will be able to give some guidance as regards to the dilators as I'm pretty sure I need some help.

My sex life with my boyfriend at the minute is pretty minimal, I've always struggled to get myself off anyway so he's only managed to make me orgasm once, and I'm yet to succeed with him, not that I've tried much. I get the impression he doesn't have much of a sex drive anyway if I'm honest, definitely seems off for a teenage boy (I expected like raging high sex drive, and that he'd finish in minutes, apparently not with him) but I'm not too bothered at this stage. The sooner I can sort out my vaginismus the better though.

Again thanks very much for your helpful response.

[Sam W]

Hi struggling,

What an absolutely frustrating thing to have happen with your healthcare provider! I'm glad you ended up getting the dilators for yourself, but I imagine it was more than a little annoying to have to deal with that whole situation. As for how to use the dilators, in the case of Vaginismus it's often recommended that you have at least some supervision from a healthcare provider to start out with. So it's great that you've been referred to the sex therapist, as they should be able to fulfill that role for you.

As for your fears, it might be helpful to think in terms of "common" or "uncommon" rather than in terms of "normal." I say this partially because it may help you feel a little better about your condition, but also because when it comes to human sexuality and sexual behavior normal is a pretty empty concept. Yes, lot's of people with vaginas can have vaginal intercourse, but plenty of them don't have it, or find it simply isn't their cup of tea and instead focus on activities that they do enjoy. And that's what is "normal" for them. Or, to give another example, lots of people think it's normal for young men to have a high sex drive, but it sounds like your partner has one that's slightly lower than you were expecting. And there's nothing wrong with that, it's how he is and it's just part of the natural variation of human sexuality. So it helps to think of normal as being more about what's common or enjoyable about your own sex life, and less about what happens in the sex lives of other people. Does that make sense?

You mention you often struggle with orgasm even during masturbation. Are those experiences also connected to pain, or do they seem have a different cause? And, when pain from insertion isn't present, do you find masturbation or partnered sex pleasurable? Or is it something where you're not bothered by it, but you're not terribly thrilled by it either?

With your concerns about having conception issues due to Vaginismus, I think that's something that will be best discussed between you, your healthcare provider, and whatever partner you're hoping to conceive with. I don't have a lot of expertise around how Vaginisumus can interact with things like pregnancy, so my suggestion is mainly to (when the time comes) see where you are in terms of your treatment of the condition and then talk with your healthcare provider about your options and possible next steps.