I need help...

Questions and discussion about contraception, safer sex, STIs, sexual healthcare and other sexual health issues.
Idontknow13
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Location: Pembroke pines, florida

I need help...

Unread postby Idontknow13 » Fri Mar 08, 2019 1:33 pm

Im writting bc i have a huge problem. I was diagnosed with HIV 2 weeks ago. I already started medication. I told my partner and he doesnt want to talk to me anymore, i tried to talk to him and explain everything but he just said i was a lier and i was selfish and irresponsable. I tried to explain myself and told him i really didnt know but he doesnt believe me and he hates me now. He blocked me... i feel really hurt bc this happpened, i didnt want to hurt him in any way... i feel bad for breaking him and yesterday i got a phone call from the hospital saying i got another STI. Im going to the doctor today but what really hurts me the most its how he is feeling i feel ashamed and guilty. I reallt tried to make him feel better and let him know that everything was going to be ok but he just couldn't see beyond my diagnose and blame it all on me...

Heather
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Re: I need help...

Unread postby Heather » Fri Mar 08, 2019 1:47 pm

Welcome to the boards, Idontknow13. I'm so sorry that your partner has reacted this way. It's hard enough to get and start to process a big, scary diagnosis as it is, let alone to have to be doing that and have this kind of fallout -- and lack of support.

Is this something where you'd like to talk with us now about what you can do from here per this partner? Or would you like more to talk about how you're feeling, and how to deal with those feelings?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Idontknow13
not a newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Mar 07, 2019 6:51 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: Personality
My primary language: Spanish
My pronouns: He/him
My sexual identity and orientation: Bi
Location: Pembroke pines, florida

Re: I need help...

Unread postby Idontknow13 » Fri Mar 08, 2019 3:07 pm

I dont think i can do anything else to solve everything with him... he said a lot of things and i said a lot of things as well... i tried to make him see that i didnt want this to happen and that i didnt know. I just feel bad when i remember everything and i cant help it but thinking that i really hurt him

Heather
scarleteen founder & director
Posts: 7102
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My Awesomeness Quotient: I know every word of The Lorax by heart.
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My sexual identity and orientation: queery-queer-queer
Location: Chicago, IL and Vashon Island, WA

Re: I need help...

Unread postby Heather » Fri Mar 08, 2019 3:44 pm

Just on the basis of his blocking you alone, for sure, I don't think there's anything for you to do when it comes to him right now but figure that unless he changes his mind and contacts you, you'll just need to accept that you can't get any kind of resolution or anything else from or with him right now.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling the way you are. But something I'd like to say is that unless I misunderstand something here, you're the one who has an illness right now (two, it appears). You're the one having the absolute hardest news, of anyone in this situation, to process and start to learn to manage and live with. You're the one who likely feels the most scared and the most isolated. You didn't make yourself sick, and you getting sick wasn't something you did to your partner on purpose or to hurt him. Getting sick was something that simply happened, and the primary person in this it happened to was you.

I hear you making this about you doing something to your partner. It sounds like they were suggesting that, but that doesn't make them right, you know? I can't speak for this person, but by all means, even generally kind people have been known to freak out and say shitty things when it comes to a partner acquiring HIV or other kinds of illness. Point is, what he said may even be literally, completely wrong and just a bad reaction, not something you should assume at all to be true.

Unless I'm misunderstanding/missing something here -- like your partner acquiring HIV from you because of you knowingly not telling the truth to them, or something else that WOULD be about you actively doing them harm -- why do YOU think this is about something you did to them, when it's something happening to you?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Idontknow13
not a newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Mar 07, 2019 6:51 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: Personality
My primary language: Spanish
My pronouns: He/him
My sexual identity and orientation: Bi
Location: Pembroke pines, florida

Re: I need help...

Unread postby Idontknow13 » Fri Mar 08, 2019 9:41 pm

He first said that it wasnt my fault that i didnt ask to get that but then he started saying that it was my fault when i didnt even know i got that

Idontknow13
not a newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Mar 07, 2019 6:51 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: Personality
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My pronouns: He/him
My sexual identity and orientation: Bi
Location: Pembroke pines, florida

Re: I need help...

Unread postby Idontknow13 » Fri Mar 08, 2019 9:44 pm

Idk why he started to say that. When i got diagnosed i was more worried about him than myself. I told him everything was going to be ok and that i wont leave him alone. I felt really bad bc if i knew i had that i wouldnt have been with him. I really cared for him and the last thing i wanted to do its harm to him

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Re: I need help...

Unread postby Sam W » Sat Mar 09, 2019 8:00 am

Hi Idon'tknow13,

That turn, from him saying that he didn't blame you to actively blaming you, sounds like it made this whole thing even rougher to deal with. It's clear you're main concern when you found out was his well-being, which is an incredibly kind impulse on your part, and it sucks that he was unwilling to return that concern (unless, as Heather mentioned, I'm really misreading what happened and your partner acquired HIV from you because of you knowingly not telling the truth, in which case his reaction is more understandable).

I hear you saying that if you'd known about your diagnosis sooner, you wouldn't have been sexual with your partner. Would you say that's why you think this is about something you did to them, when it's really more something happening to you? Or do you feel like there's another reason for that?

Idontknow13
not a newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Mar 07, 2019 6:51 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: Personality
My primary language: Spanish
My pronouns: He/him
My sexual identity and orientation: Bi
Location: Pembroke pines, florida

Re: I need help...

Unread postby Idontknow13 » Sat Mar 09, 2019 11:58 am

I feel guilty for not having a test before and i feel bad for hurting him this way when i didnt want to. Sometimes i feel bad for forgetting about this whole situation when I'm distracted

Siân
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Re: I need help...

Unread postby Siân » Sun Mar 10, 2019 5:53 am

I'd say that it's a good thing you are able to think about other things some of the time. This is absolutely a big change for you and a lot of new scary information to get your head around, at the same time it's just one part of your life and all the other parts deserve your time and attention too.

For the rest, I just want to reiterate what Heather said; getting sick is something that happened to you, not a thing you deliberately did to hurt your partner. That said, it sounds like there isn't a lot you can do for the situation with them right now, and I'm sure that hurts a lot.

What would be most useful for you right now? Do you want to talk a little about what this diagnosis means for you going forward?

Idontknow13
not a newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Mar 07, 2019 6:51 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: Personality
My primary language: Spanish
My pronouns: He/him
My sexual identity and orientation: Bi
Location: Pembroke pines, florida

Re: I need help...

Unread postby Idontknow13 » Sun Mar 10, 2019 12:53 pm

I started treatment as soon as i knew. I got that out of the way but sometimes i just think that ill have to take a pill of the rest of my life... I try to think I'm lucky bc some people can't say that but still sometimes i think about that and the fact that someday ill have to tell my family

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 5086
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
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Location: Desert

Re: I need help...

Unread postby Sam W » Mon Mar 11, 2019 7:03 am

Being able to start treatment is a huge step, and I'm glad it's something you've been able to do. It sounds like disclosing is something that's weighing on you a lot (which makes sense, given how your former partner reacted and the stigma attached to HIV in general). Do you think it would help to focus less on the future and more on how to take care of yourself in the present? Or would it be more helpful to talk about how you'll handle those things that are worrying you, like other disclosures and adjusting to being on a treatment regime?

Also, have you gotten, or asked for, support around this from anyone else in your life?

Idontknow13
not a newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Mar 07, 2019 6:51 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: Personality
My primary language: Spanish
My pronouns: He/him
My sexual identity and orientation: Bi
Location: Pembroke pines, florida

Re: I need help...

Unread postby Idontknow13 » Mon Mar 11, 2019 7:35 pm

Ive talked to some friends. They are the ones who are helping me emotionally. It is hard for me to say it, i cant say the word bc its too much for me even when i know ill be ok. I try to distract myself as much as i can so i dont think about everything thats happening right now. It still make me feel bad that i cant talk to who was my partnet bc if it is hard for me i believe it is hard for him even when he is negative and fear about it

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 5086
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
My primary language: english
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: I need help...

Unread postby Sam W » Tue Mar 12, 2019 6:55 am

It's totally understandable that even saying it is hard. This is a big diagnosis, one that's already bringing about some changes to your life, and you're still in the midst of processing it. It's good to hear that your friends are supporting you and that you've been able to open up to them about what's going on. With your partner, it may help to alleviate some of those feelings of guilt to remember that he's made the choice to remove you as a source of support in his life; it sounds like if he was still speaking to you, you'd be very willing to give as well as receive support.

When you received your diagnosis, did your healthcare provider talk to you at all about resources you could access that are designed to give you support around it? If not, would you be interested in learning about some of those, even if you're not ready to access them just yet?


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