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So Much More Than Just One Night

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December 21st, 2008 will be a night I will never forget.

He was finally coming home. After being gone to boot camp for the past 4 months, he was finally going to be back with me. The anticipation was killing me. I was counting down the hours, checking my phone every 5 minutes for a new message, just waiting for any contact from him. Then finally, on a cold Sunday afternoon in December my phone rings. As I look down at the screen I see his name appear on the caller I.D. and am instantly filled with pure ecstasy. I answer the phone and hear his voice again and am soon swooning over every word he speaks.

He asked if it would be okay to come over and see me, and of course with an over-eager hint to my voice I assure him it would be wonderful to come over.


Let’s call him Anthony. Anthony and I have been friends for years. I met him my sophomore year of high school when he moved to California. Over the course of the next three years of high school we increasingly became closer and closer in a strictly friends only type of way, at least that’s how it was until our Senior year.

The summer between our Junior and Senior years of high school was a turning point for our friendship. We spent virtually every day of the summer talking to each other, would go to water parks together, watching movies, and just spending time together. At the time I was dating another boy that I had been for about a year. Our senior year started and Anthony started to date a girl from school and I was still with my boyfriend at the time. Everything was fine and we were both happy for each other and ourselves.

About halfway through our senior year, Anthony and his girlfriend broke up. We finished high school together, graduated together, and started another summer together. Everything seemed completely normal and fine for the first part of the summer. I was still with my boyfriend and there was never any tension or awkwardness between Anthony, myself, or my boyfriend from then.

But then in August of 2008 it seemed like everything changed all at once. My boyfriend from the time and I hit a rough spot. No, it wasn’t just a rough spot, it was like a hitting a brick wall. Things started to fall apart so quickly I felt like I was blindsided by the whole situation. And of course, when a girl is going through any tough situation she turns to the people she’s the most comfortable with for help and support, and that for me, happened to be Anthony.
He quickly became my rock. I could cry on his shoulder, I could vent my angry to him, I could escape reality with him. In August, right before he was to leave for boot camp, his family had a pool party for him and I was invited. To begin with, I thought all of his friends would be there but it turned out it was a family event...and me.

We swam, we ate hot dogs, we played pool and video games, we talked with his family, and did the whole party thing. Then that night he and I were sitting on the steps of the pool alone (a lot of his family had either gone home or were inside watching TV and playing video games). We started talking about him leaving and not being able to talk for at least 6 months. Both of us realized how much we were going to miss each other and knew it would be hard to not be able to talk for so long. We agreed that we would still be friends and write to each other. Then, sitting there alone, under the stars in the warm water on an August night, everything changed for Anthony and I. He leaned over and kissed me. We had officially moved past the "friends" point.

He drove me home after the party and we sat in his car and talked for an hour before we shared a teary hug and said our goodbyes. The next morning he flew to Texas.

We did write to each other and did stay in contact but both of us agreed “dating” would be too difficult with him being gone and decided to continue on being just "friends." Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Perhaps.

The months go by, and pretty soon it’s the beginning of December and he gets the word he gets to come home for Christmas.


So, it's December 21st I’m waiting, impatiently, for him to come over.

I see his car pull down the street and am immediately overwhelmed with anticipation and excitement. He comes up to the door and I swing it open and wrap my arms around him. He comes inside, and we talk for a few minutes but the conversation is surprisingly awkward. I remember him just kind of leaning against the footboard of my bed with his arms folded over his chest, mumbling answers back to my questions about boot camp and how he’s been. After more conversation that felt forced, he asked if I wanted to go for a ride and catch up in private. I go ask my father if I can go considering it’s nearly 10 in the evening at this point and he agrees.

Anthony drove out past the city limits and pulled over to the side of the road. He leaned his seat back, put his hands behind his head, and simply asked me what was new. After about 2 minutes of conversation he kisses me.

After a while of making out he pulls off my shirt and begins to unbutton my pants. I stop him and look at him, with I’m guessing a confused expression, because he then asks me what’s wrong. I mumble "Nothing," and he continues to take off his shirt and undo his pants.

He starts manual sex with me. I’m comfortable with this since I have done it in the past. After a while he pulls me over on top of him and I scoot to the side of him and tell him I don’t know if I want to go that far.

I ask if he has a condom and he tells me no. I told him unless he has a condom I don’t want to go any farther because I don’t want to risk anything. He tries to tell me its okay, he’s never gotten anyone pregnant before and even if I do, he has a good job and there’s nothing to worry about. I still insist that I don’t want to risk a pregnancy and am not sure I want to go that far.

He pulls me back on top of him and tells me we’ll just take it slow and see how it goes and goes back to manual sex. After a few moments he turns me over on my back and gets on top of me. I push him off of me a little and tell him that I don’t know if I’m ready for this and he tells me he won’t force me to do anything and it's up to me but that he wants to "try something." At this point, he rubs his penis against my vagina and tells me not to worry and to just relax. We go back to making out while he is still on top of me and then begins to rub against me again. While we are still making out he thrust himself into me.

I try to push him off and he stops and tries to reassure me that it’s okay and that he’s not going to hurt me. I tell him I don’t want to go any farther and start to get dressed again. He moans and begins to put his pants on. We talk for a few minutes then he drives me home, walks me to the door, kisses me on the forehead, and says goodnight.

I go into my room and break down crying. I get a hold of my two best friends and tell them what happened and the next morning they go with me to get emergency contraception.

I don’t talk to Anthony for about a week after everything happened. When we do see each other again, he seems to act like nothing had ever happened between us. He continues on like we are still just friends and to everyone else it appears nothing has changed.

He leaves back for his second part of boot camp in the beginning of January. We hardly talked while he was here and we don’t leave on real great terms.

Now the anxiety is slowly setting in. I start to worry about being pregnant. I start to obsess about it. It consumes me and quickly becomes all I can think about. In January alone I end up taking 3 home pregnancy test, all negative. I get no period in January. February I take even more pregnancy test, all negative. Still no period. March rolls around and I still have no period. My weight had dropped to a relatively low level because I hardly ate. I took even more home pregnancy test. Still negative. I tried different brands and types thinking that could be it.

I look up every possible thing there is on pregnancies and pregnancy test which I honestly think only made things worse. Doubt flooded my mind. Every time I read something about pregnancy test and pregnancies, it seemed like I turned around and read something that would contradict it. The worry and anxiety of it was taking over my life and I started to feel worst and worst. I would get cramps in my stomach and sharp pains that would shoot across the walls of my stomach like lighting rods. My stomach would burn and I never wanted to eat. I told my mom I want to go to the doctor because I haven’t been feeling well and my period is missing. She calls and makes an appointment. I never told her about Anthony and I and she believes I could have the same thyroid condition she has. At the doctors office, they run a blood test to check my thyroid and nutrition level. My doctor and my mom are good friends and I was too afraid to tell him about the possibility with Anthony in fears he would tell my mother. The blood work comes back showing I have low estrogen and slight malnutrition. The doctor did nothing else but tell me to eat more rounded meals and I would go back in the future to see if my blood work comes back better.

I take more home pregnancy tests, still not able to get the paralyzing fear out of my head.

March 21st rolls around, I got to the bathroom, and see blood on my underwear. I am at first overjoyed and filled with relief. I had been cramping a few days before that but was used to cramps at that point sense it has been happening for a while. I bled on my period for the next 5 days, pretty much a normal flow and was finally feeling better. Then my mind started to play tricks on me again. I started to think it could have just been bleeding during pregnancy and went back to the internet to do more research. The more I researched, the more I was convinced I was still pregnant and that wasn’t my period. I started imagining movement in my stomach. I became obsessed with looking at my side in the mirror. I would compare my stomach to pictures of pregnant woman online. I took more pregnancy test, all still coming back negative. At this point I had taken well well over a dozen pregnancy tests.

The cramping is still happening. I still imagine movement in my stomach. I’ve convinced myself my stomach is larger and I am still paranoid about being pregnant. I told my mom that I am still having the cramping in my lower stomach and I have an appointment with a gynecologist on April 28th. Even now, being April 3rd, I still want to take another pregnancy test. I keep waiting for the line to magically appear positive on the test. Now, I just have to sit back and wait for the end of April to once and for all prove to myself what I already know, that I’m not pregnant.

Every logical part of my brain is telling me I’m overreacting and to stay calm and let it go, but then I walk by a mirror and look at my stomach or a I feel a flinch in my stomach and am back to being just as paranoid as before.

The worst part of this whole situation is that I’ve lost someone I viewed as a really good friend. I’ve lost the friendship, I’ve lost the trust we had, and I’ve lost control of my own mind.

written 10 Apr 2009 . updated 03 Jan 2010

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