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Will she find me unattractive?

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asks:

I would like to have sexual intercourse with the girl I love. But I'm really shy about it because I have scars on my back from cuts and such, they're really unattractive, and I KNOW she'll freakout if she sees them, what should I do?

Heather Corinna replies:

Really? Having sex with someone else is really intimate, and we're all vulnerable in that space, and double for both when we have strong feelings for the person we're with.

So, in order to make smart choices -- including in terms of our emotional safety -- we need to understand that. Does this person have equally strong feelings about you? Does she treat you with respect and kindness? Have you any reason to think she'll somehow treat you poorly because you have scars (and many people do, some of us more than others, but we're not Barbie and Ken dolls, after all -- we're real people with scars, zits and all kinds of imperfections)? Do you think she's not mature enough to deal with your scars?

If she loves you, too, if she treats you with respect and kindness, and you have no reason to think she'll treat you poorly, or lack maturity, then the only question is if you're ready for that kind of exposure and vulnerability. If you're not, then you either wait until you are, or you take an emotional risk, and it really is that simple.

Too, you have to extend some trust in the person you're sleeping with, including trust in the fact that that other person -- and you -- are coming to sex together knowing it's real, not airbrushed. There are scars involved sometimes, or cellulite. People fart during sex sometimes. We sometimes have to share difficult history in negotiating limits and boundaries. That's the deal. And if you don't feel you can extend that trust, or the other person hasn't yet earned it, again with the waiting.

Same goes double if you're just not ready for sex to be as imperfect and human as it is, rather than some sort of performance, or way to impress someone else. Sex with someone else is about connecting, even when it's casual, in a pretty real way, so if you're not up to that kind of connection yet, hold out for when it feels more right to you.

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