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Why is intercourse still hurting me?

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Anonymous asks:

Hi, I am an 18-year-old female and I have just recently lost my virginity. I always heard the first time was painful, but I have had sex well over 20 times now and it is still painful each time. Once his penis is in completely and the thrusting begins, it does not hurt me, but the initial pushing of it inside is very uncomfortable still. I'm always having to ask him to put it in very, very slowly. I'm wondering if this is common for most women and when this pain will go away?

Heather Corinna replies:

The most common reasons for what you are experiencing would be:

• Beginning vaginal entry before you are really, truly, fully aroused. As in, aroused to the point where you are very nearly begging your partner to begin intercourse because you just can't wait another minute for it. THAT is the point at which to start intercourse for most women, and if you're never getting to that point at all, then having intercourse at all probably isn't the right thing, because you're clearly not all that thrilled about it.

• Not using extra lubricant at the start of intercourse and additionally, as needed, especially if a) you're using condoms and/or b) your partner is circumcised, and thus, not sharing extra lubrication produced by the foreskin. Lube really is a must-have: it makes what's not so comfy feel comfier, and often makes what feels amazing feel even more amazing.

• Having intercourse when that isn't really what you want, or having it be the only sex you're having and treating as "real" sex. For many women, intercourse that is more like dessert or an appetizer than supper -- and where other sexual activities that really speak to the most sensitive and responsive parts of our sexual anatomy are supper -- is most satisfying and what feels best.

• You'll also want to make sure you're current with your STI screenings: genital infections can also cause extra genital sensitivity or painful intercourse.

But really, I already wrote the book on this issue, in-depth, right here: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse. You may also find this piece helpful: Yield for Pleasure.

written 10 Nov 2007 . updated 27 Jan 2014

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