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Why doesn't he like that I get wet?

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chelcie asks:

Neither my boyfriend or I have engaged in sexual intercourse, with each other of someone else, but we do fool around quite a bit. We both perform oral sex on each other, but he says he doesn't like performing on me once I get wet. He tries his hardest to please me with his fingers but I think a full oral sexual experience would feel so much better. Why does he dislike this and how can we improve the experience for him?

Heather Corinna replies:

Not only can you not stop your vagina and vulva from lubricating, that is what HAPPENS to women when we become sexually aroused. It's supposed to, ideally, because if we're not lubricated, vulval and vaginal sex -- as well as some kinds of clitoral stimulation -- doesn't feel very good for us.

So, if your boyfriend is going to choose to sleep with women in his life, he's going to have to get comfortable with things like that which are simply part of our natural bodies.

Why does he dislike this? I can't know that. You could certainly ask him, the most likely person to know. Perhaps he's not yet comfortable with female bodies, perhaps he's not yet really ready for sex with a partner. Maybe he doesn't know that's normal, and is worried something is wrong? Maybe he just has a quirk where he's squicky about body fluids? But the best person to know would be him. It's so, so important to really talk about things like this with partners: communication is the very best sex aid there is. That also includes you stating your preferences, too: if lots of manual sex isn't feeling good for you, and isn't what works for you, you need to let him in on that.

However, I'd suggest that you do make a point of explaining that this is how your body and every woman's body works. If he needs some extra help understanding that, you can try explaining that just like he can't stop his mouth from salivating -- and it's healthiest that it does -- you can't stop your vagina and vulva from lubricating when you're turned on, and it's healthiest that it does just that.

Too, oral sex is a wet activity, period: there are saliva and body fluids involved. I think once he can accept that and know it's normal, his experience will improve, and I'm also of the mind that until a partner really IS comfortable with physiological functions during sexual activities, it's not the best idea to be involved in them with that person. So, what you might do is suggest that if he wants to hold off on oral sex until he feels more comfortable and more ready, that's A-OK with you (which it should be).

If some extra information would help him (or you), you might point him to these links:

written 06 Dec 2007 . updated 01 May 2008

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