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What if he wants to have sex in 2 months?

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lkjafkldffjaskj asks:

I have heard people talking about how they have had sex with their boyfriends after just 2 months and it scares me to think that my boyfriend will want it that soon because I'm scared to have sex, not just because of the risks but of what he'll think and all that stuff. We have only been going out for a week and I am not thinking of having sex with him or receiving/giving oral but I'm just thinking about 2 to 3 months from now will he want it? He has told me he won't force me to do anything I'm not comfortable with and he's a really nice guy so I'm pretty sure he won't but his last girlfriend had sex with him after 3 months. Do you have any advice for me?

Heather Corinna replies:

You know, whether or not a boyfriend wants something from you does not obligate you to give it to him (and vice-versa).

I'd totally be down for ditching work for an hour and having sex with my partner right this second. But he's upstairs in his office doing work for himself right now which he needs to do -- and which is what's most important for him right now, and what he wants to do most -- so that's a want I may have but accept that it's just not going to be fulfilled. No biggie for me, and my partner doesn't have to worry about me resenting him because today my wants and his were not in alignment. When our needs do align, it rocks, and I look forward to a time when they do again, be that later today or next week. I don't expect our sexual (or any other) needs to mesh all of the time: we're two different people who share part of our life, and have sex together when it's what we both want, but we're still separate people with lives about far more than sex and I don't expect my every sexual want to be fulfilled by him just because part of our relationship is sexual. I know he understands that for himself, too. Understanding that is part of having a healthy relationship.

In other words, there's just no reason to be so fearful here. Even if it turns out that he does have an interest in any kind of sex with you now, next month, or next year, whether or not the two of you engage in that sex is still up to you as much as it is up to him. It sounds to me like your boyfriend knows that, and like he's also verbally reassured you that he knows that, which is a pretty cool thing for someone to make clear only a week into something. Just because a person wants something from someone else both doesn't mean that other person has to give it, nor that the person with the want expects that. This is sex we're talking about, not a drive-through burger joint. Healthy people who care for others and have an interest in sex with them generally only want to have that sex when that interest is shared, and are fine with waiting until it's shared since they're invested in sex being something that's about both partners' pleasure and joy, not just that of one. The latter is masturbation, not partnered sex.

He might also know that everyone is different when it comes to what they're ready for and interested in, and when they're interested in it and ready for it. Because he and his last partner became sexually active within three months doesn't mean he's going to assume that's then a rule to which all his other partners will agree.

As well, assuming that the way you're feeling now is how you'll feel later isn't sound. When you're just barely getting to know someone, and new to dating, of course sex is going to feel premature. Trust and comfort with someone else tends to be something that takes time and experience with them to develop: it isn't magically instant. It's also worth saying that when a couple decides to have sex in a couple months of dating, it isn't sage to assume that's only or solely because one partner wanted that sex. Men are not the only people with sexual desires, nor the only people who sexually initiate: women have those desires, too. You may well find in time, be it with this relationship or another, that within a few months, you are feeling those desires. And if and when you do, you don't have to actualize them if you don't feel ready to. Even if you have those wants in time, if you're not feeling ready or able to manage the risks involved, or not feeling comfortable or secure enough with a partner to share your sexuality, you can still have those wants but let taking action on them wait until it all feels right for you.

This is a brand-new relationship in its infancy you have here. Now is the time to enjoy all that shiny, dizzy newness, and start to get to know each other, not get immediately freaked and panicked about what may or may not happen down the road. Heck, only one week into dating you can't even have any kind of idea if it's something that both of you will want to continue in the next week, let alone months from now. Don't worry about this stuff right now or let it harsh your new thing: enjoy what you've started, give it room to breathe and see how it goes day by day.

I'd also suggest you try not to focus on this and focus on what is going on with the two of you right now. This really isn't the time yet for big discussions about something that is a non-issue at the moment. Your new boyfriend has given you clear assurance you don't need to be concerned about this now, so trust him in that. If his feelings or yours change, and sex does start to become an issue, then you can talk more about how you're both feeling, what you both want, what you both feel ready for and how you're going to work it all out. And that'll be a lot easier to visualize doing when you've had the time to get to know each other better, to learn to communicate together, to establish some trust and to even have a real idea about how you feel about each other.

Here are a few links to help you out:

written 27 Apr 2008 . updated 27 Apr 2008

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