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Heather Corinna replies:
Hi in 16 turning 17 and its my first time on here and I find it very useful. I am soo glad that I finally found help. I've been dating my boyfriend for eight and a half months now, and we've had sex numerous times since. Well, this one time we wanted to see what it would feel like without a condom so we tried it and we both thought it felt soo good and so much better, but I pulled away right before he cummed. But the next time he showed up at my door step and surprised me and we both were really horny so we just had sex, and we were so into it that we both were like to each other..."What could possibly happen? We wouldn't get pregnant..not us" so we finished and he cummed inside of me. After that we freaked out! He told me to wash out my vagina with my shower tap. So I did. We are freaking out and are both praying I'm not pregnant. But there are some factors. I had my period during and he had cancer, so his doctor told him he has a 90% chance that he cant have kids. But I'm scared still. Will you please help me. Can I still be pregnant? I am waking up in the middle of the night constantly going pee, and I'm feeling sick every morning and all day! Please help us.
Pregnancy is not likely to occur for most women who have sex during their periods. But because ovulation schedules can vary -- and be particularly erratic for younger women -- it's never smart to have unprotected sex at any time you do not WANT to become pregnant, even during your period.
It would be pretty unusual for a young man to be infertile due to cancer (especially given that reproductive cancers are very rare in younger men), unless we weren't talking about cancer, but about certain therapies for cancer, and even more unusual for a doctor to advise a young man to go without a birth control method, or tell him he was infertile without testing. So, maybe your boyfriend misunderstood, maybe he even was giving you a line -- or maybe that really is the case, but it's impossible for me to suss that out with only this information. And even if it was a 90% chance he couldn't have kids, that's still a 10% chance he could, so he should know full well not to go without birth control.
If this risk was very recent, as in, within the last 120 hours (five days) then you can obtain and use emergency contraception, which I'd advise. I'll post a link about it for you at the bottom of my reply, with some other links I think will be of use to you as well. If the sex happened longer ago than that, then the only thing to do is to take a pregnancy test when it's been around two weeks since your risk, OR when your period is late, whichever comes first. Trying to figure out if you're pregnant by symptoms isn't so smart, because we can have nausea from a LOT of different things, and urinary complaints from a lot of different things. And if you take a test and get a negative result but still have the tummy troubles and the urinary complaints, be sure and see your doctor, because those could be from something else entirely and need to be treated.
For future reference, if you or your partner are feeling a huge difference between sex with condoms and sex without, then it's highly likely that a) you're probably not using good condoms and/or b) you're probably not using condoms as well as you could be.
Realize that thinner condoms are not only just as effective as thicker ones, they may be even more so because of reduced friction. Too, you should always, always, always be using a good latex-safe lubricant with condoms. Not only does that keep them from breaking -- which is obviously crucial -- it can make a HUGE difference in how condoms feel for BOTH partners.
So, from here on out, use a good quality, thin condom, and use it with a quality, extra lubricant. Your partner will put a drop or two inside the tip of the condom before he puts it on to make it feel better for him, and then you will put a generous amount on your vulva before sex. Should things feel drier as you go, you just add more.
But I'd also like to suggest that you just take a step back and make sure you both are really ready for all of this. I'm hearing, for instance, a real lack of understanding about birth control and pregnancy risks: you should know what your risks are and how to diminish them like a pro before if you're going to be having sex.
I'm also hearing something a little more troublesome, which is an inability to set sound limits and boundaries. Partnered sex can be awesome, for sure, but it also can have plenty of not-at-all-awesome consequences.
Really? So long as both partners get a choice -- one isn't forcing or coercing the other -- sex is never something that "just happens." It's an active thing, something we all consciously CHOOSE to do. If you're not feeling able to have it be a real choice, where you consider your real risks before you have it, then that's a big problem, because there is no "not us," when it comes to becoming pregnant. ANYONE who has unprotected vaginal intercourse, where it is not an absolute reality that both partners are 100% infertile, can become pregnant. There aren't any special people who are just that lucky who never will become pregnant when they're not using birth control when they have sex.
I want you to be really sure you're making choices that are the best ones for you, and where you're doing everything you can -- and your partner is cooperating with you -- to only be taking big risks when it's sensible. Taking a big risk to get into a great art school is sensible: taking a big risk to become pregnant when you don't want to for five minutes of feeling good really isn't.
So, here is that link on EC, and here are also a few extra links for you and your boyfriend to look over, so that you can have a solid discussion about what choices are right for you both, and w3hat you're both really ready to manage. Don't forget: sex keeps. It does. And no one is going to lose out by either setting something aside for a while, or keeping themselves safer. Even if you both come to the conclusion that you can't commit to only having sex smartly and safely, or aren't interested right now in doing all you need to to be safe, that's okay, but that also would mean the only sensible choice would be to put sex on the shelf until you can.