I'm having trouble getting my penis into my girlfriend's vagina. There are some things that would probably be better put in point form, so here goes:

-I am average sized, leaning towards the shorter side of the spectrum
-I'm sure that we were ready - she was dripping wet down there
-I "think" she's really tight. For reference, one finger would get squeezed pretty tightly; two fingers would require a good deal of force to get in
-We've tried missionary, doggie, standing up from behind, and standing up face to face
-It's worked out twice in the missionary position but was really hard to accomplish; we don't seem to be able to get it to work again
-We 'do it' with the lights on

My question is, am I doing something wrong? She even tries to cram my penis inside using her hands but for some reason, it does not work - I just don't feel like there is an opening... We've tried several times and it is pretty frustrating...

-Ps. For the two times it went in, it did not feel as great as I was led to believe it would. I think I have more fun with a handjob - is this normal?

Dear Al,

First, I am assuming that your girlfriend has had a thorough gynecological exam and that there are no infections or other issues that require medical attention.

If what you indicate is correct--that your girlfriend is turned on, that you are a sensitive lover, and she really wants to have intercourse with you--then it sounds to me like you are describing a condition known as vaginismus. Here is a definition of it from a website that I like a lot called /www.vaginismus.com/

"Vaginismus is a condition where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina during attempted intercourse. The tightness is actually caused by involuntary contractions of the pelvic floor muscles surrounding the vagina. The woman does not directly control or 'will' the tightness to occur; it is an involuntary pelvic response. She may not even have any awareness that the muscle response is causing the tightness or penetration problem."

Not too long ago, we used to think vaginismus was caused by some sort of sexual abuse or violent trauma, and that vaginismus was the body's way of holding on to the emotionally scarring memories. We now know that vaginismus can have many causes, including an uncomfortable but routine gynecological exam, or a past infection that resulted in painful intercourse, or a religious upbringing that caused a woman to feel shame or extreme guilt about her sexual desires, or many different reasons.

Vaginismus seems to be the body's way of protecting the woman from what it assumes will be a painful experience. The trouble is, in the majority of cases, the reason for the pain is no longer there, but the clamping reaction remains. So the challenge is in retraining the body to allow intercourse instead of trying to prevent it--assuming the woman wants to have intercourse.

This retraining can take several months or longer, and one of the biggest causes of failure is that the couple tries to rush things by starting to have intercourse too soon.

I belong to a couple of different listserves that are made up of sex therapists, gynecologists and sex educators. The only resource on vaginismus that I've heard praised on these different listerserves is /www.vaginismus.com/. It was started a number of years ago by a woman and her male partner who were faced with her vaginismus when they were young lovers like yourselves. This site has moderated forums on it for couples who are dealing with this problem, and I recommend you spend as much time as you can reading the different posts and articles.

Please remember that there are many different ways to please each other without doing vaginal intercourse, and focus on those ways while you are learning more about vaginismus and while you are forming a strategy for how the two of you want to approach it.

Regarding your intercourse vs. handjob question--your lack of pleasure could be due to the clamping or tension in her vagina. This should not be a problem as the vaginismus resolves, assuming there aren't underlying problems that might be causing her to feel pain. On the other hand, it is not unusual for a guy or girl to find that masturbation feels better than intercourse, especially the first couple of times. Think of how many times your hand has been around your penis, as opposed to how many times it has been inside of a vagina. In time, you might find the vagina to be one of nature's greatest and most cherished gifts (assuming you are a straight or bisexual guy!).

Best wishes,

Paul
author of "Guide To Getting It On!"

if you are interested in Paul's book:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1885535694/goofyfootpres