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Too wet for good friction?

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kristopolis asks:

I'm a female college sophomore & started having partnersex fairly recently, around May. So far it's been a wonderful experience but within the past six weeks or so my partner has had difficulty climaxing because my vagina gets so wet he loses sensation. To be honest, it doesn't feel as great for me either when I'm totally sopping and lose all sense of friction! We've never used condoms (we're both STI-free & I'm on the Pill) and never had a need for lubricant. I know that your amount of vaginal secretion has a lot to do with where you are in your cycle, as well as being aroused...I'm just not really sure what to do about this. Obviously, it's not something I can control but I've started to get so nervous during sex that I'm going to get "too" wet that I can't climax either! And that isn't much fun at all. Is this a problem that other girls have? And how would you recommend dealing with it? Thank you so much.

Heather Corinna replies:

This can be an issue with men with thinner (less wide) penises during intercourse, especially circumcised men (who don't have foreskins to provide extra friction), and it's common enough for it to only become an issue once the female partner is more easily aroused and comfortable -- which is as it should be -- because arousal and relaxation cause that extra lubrication and a less tight vaginal canal and opening..

You really don't want to have a "drier" vagina, because you're supposed to be aroused and wet with genital sex, and sex with a drier vagina can irritate your tissues, as well as just not feeling so good. There's also no sound way to bring about a "drier" vagina. Too, in your case, your discharges aren't going to vary much during your cycle, because you're on the pill, which actually tends to decrease and thicken vaginal secretions.

I know you say you don't use condoms, but they may actually help out here, since they DO create friction. Too, changing your position when this happens may help -- such as you being on all fours, or on top, or by you being on your back, but putting your legs against his chest -- and it may also help if he changes the way he's having intercourse, so that rather than simply moving in and out, he is rubbing a given side of your vagina with his penis (which is also a typical motion when the woman is on top). If it still feels good for you to have intercourse before you're at very high arousal, you can also start with intercourse: plenty of people feel fine with that and even prefer intercourse as foreplay to other activities.

But it's also not required that intercourse is what brings someone to orgasm. Since it tends to result in orgasm all by itself for only a minority of women, most women already know this, and the case is the same with men, even when there isn't an issue like this. It may be that at those times, it's best to have intercourse be only an appetizer or dessert, and that another sexual activity be the main course, as it were.

You also need to try not to stress out about this any more. So long as you both recognize that the idea that intercourse is THE sex is flawed, and that just like with any other sexual activity, it can be enjoyable with or without orgasm, and doesn't need to be expected to result in orgasm, there shouldn't be any reason for stress over this.

written 15 Oct 2007 . updated 21 Jul 2008

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