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The perils of being someone else's dream come true

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Angela asks:

I'm 17, female, madly in love with my boyfriend... and a tad bit curious about girls. Don't get me wrong, I've been sleeping with my boyfriend since I was 15, and its never been anything but perfect. He always turns me on, we never have any problems and I'm always, ALWAYS satisfied. It's just, sometimes the thought of experimenting with a girl turns me on. There are even a few women I see that I find I'm really attracted to. I know for a fact that I'm almost 100% attracted to men, satisfied with my sex life and happy with my over all relationship, but part of me is still attracted to women. I told me boyfriend, and he has no problem with it. He just finds it interesting, in his words, "that a guy like me could end up with a thin, beautiful, bisexual girl." (meanwhile, he could have anybody he wanted) But even though to him thats a compliment towards me, and even though he's comfortable with it, I'm not sure if I am yet. He's the only one that knows, and I thought telling him would make me feel more comfortable, but its only helped a little bit. any advice on how I can become more comfortable with the recent discovery?

David replies:

Hi Angela,

First of all while it's perfectly natural to be curious about sex with someone else when you're in a relationship I'd like to point out a couple of red flags here. First, you're saying you're curious about it, and you've told your partner, but that doesn't necessarily make it true! Curiosity or fantasy about something isn't the same thing as being that something in real life. The other thing is that while you're not sure it sounds like your partner isn't just sure he's praising you for it. Meaning now you're no longer the "thin, beautiful girl" for him but the "thin, beautiful, bisexual girl." Only maybe you are and maybe you aren't, and instead of getting to work that out for yourself at your own pace it sounds like you're stuck trying to figure all that out plus worry that you might be letting him down.

So... speaking as a man I'd recommend you tell your partner exactly how you're feeling. Let him know you appreciate (or at least aren't surprised) by his interest, but you don't want to feel any pressure from him. Also you might remind him that even if you did explore your feelings you might not explore them while he's there. Yes I'm sure he'd love to be there both for personal reasons (he cares for you) and erotic ones (he'd like to watch you explore) and and sort of jealousy reasons (worried you might like women more) and maybe even fantasy ones (maybe he could have some sort of sex with two women) but any kind of sex, especially any kind of exploring-this, let's-find-out, first-time sex will be more manageable, and probably more enjoyable one-on-one than with an audience.

Saying something abstract like "tad bit curious about girls" is, well, abstract! You might want to wait till you feel something for a specific woman. And think about the difference between "She might be ok to try this with..." and "I feel something want to try with her..." When there's someone you really want to be curious with, and if he or she agrees, and of course, if you and your partner agree that's when to really start thinking about what or whether there's anything you really want to try doing.

Final tip: if you finally get to that point it's just as ok to say "hey, I was curious but it's not for me" as "I've never enjoyed anything more." Or anything in between.

I hope that helps. Good luck.

written 18 Oct 2007 . updated 18 Oct 2007

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