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Heather Corinna replies:
I've identified as straight for my entire life, but recently been noticing that I may be attracted to girls as well. I'm thinking that I'm probably bi, maybe attracted 30% to girls, 70% to guys. What's so strange is that I went to an all-girls Catholic high school, and never found myself attracted to my schoolmates.
The thing is, I'm wondering if I'm attracted to girls, or just obsessing about my sexuality and therefore thinking that I'm attracted to girls because my obsessiveness makes me more aware of them. (I've had OCD symptoms before, so this is possible.) You see, I haven't had any major crushes on girls, but I think I could if I let myself see them romantically.
Then I'm wondering--if I am attracted to girls, which I probably am--is it worth coming out? I am definitely mainly attracted to guys, but I feel like I could be missing out on good relationships if I ignore this aspect of myself. But then, how would people view me? I go to a very liberal, accepting college, but what about my past roommates, for instance. We've seen each other naked, and it didn't mean anything to me, but would they think I had been attracted to them or something?
I'm thinking the easiest thing would be to change my "interested in" status on facebook. Then, if people felt like asking, they could, but I wouldn't have to tell people directly. I think my friends would be cool like that. But is it even worth the hassle? Am I making mountains out of obsessive molehills (to use a very mixed metaphor)? I do identify mainly as straight.
Let's try this: is there or has there ever been at least a girl -- as in, even just one girl -- you earnestly have feelings for and would want to be in a relationship with, or at the very least, a sexual relationship?
Like, as in, it's an actual strong want? And not something you'd have to force (per talking about "letting" yourself see women romantically, when really, we either feel a thing or we don't, in general.)
Because if the answer to that is no, then yes: sounds to me like you may be taking some leaps when you're not there yet, or if you're not there at all. Put it this way: to ID as straight, was it about the hypothetical or theoretical? Or about something actual? Did or do you have to "let" yourself see men romantically? (Given that yes, we have cultrual edicts that absolutely make it easier for people to think heterosexually, but even with those edicts, people who aren't heterosexual and aren't opposite-sex attracted WOULD have to try hard to view themselves in hetero relationships because it wouldn't feel intrinsic to them and their orientation.)
It's important to bear in mind that homosexuality and bisexuality isn't about finding the same-sex aesthetically appealing or an interesting curiousity: it's about actual, strong feelings of sexual and romantic attraction.
Thinking about how to come out and deal with all that when you don't even have a strong interest in other women, even one for a particular woman, whether it was reciprocated or not, strikes me as putting the horse before the cart.