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Sex just isn't that great anymore; Am I doing something wrong?

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stephlinatay asks:

my partner and i seems to explore new things in our sexual relationship. we are both sexually active and we enjoy making love. however, when we both come together i dont seem to get wet that easily and sometimes he goes soft in between too. there is just not enough chemistry. we try and we really love each other alot. he always needs to lubricate me and its never the case ever. its frustrating him and its stripping away my confidence.

we talked about it and are trying ways but its not working as well. i dont know how else to drive the chemistry. is this even possible?

Hollie replies:

Hi there,

Depending how long this has been going on for, I think you both need to give yourselves a break. You may have other stressors going on in your life, and now your sex life isn't working out the way it used to ... This is a lot of pressure. And, unfortuneatly, the more you focus on how great you want the sex to be, the more likely you are to be unhappy with it.

Do you still go on dates? Even dinner and a movie can do wonders. Laying in bed all day watching TV or movies or reading together goes a long way too. Whatever it is you two do for quality time together, do it. And try not to focus on how great the sex is going to be when the date/day is over ... You may want to take a break from sex altogether. Get back to enjoying each other and expressing your love in different ways. Leave love notes where he will find them later, when you're not around. Call him when he's not expecting it. Make him his favourite dinner/desert/whatever. Rebuilding the relationship can help put less pressure on the sex life ... And sex will come in time.

Also, do know that MANY women need artificial lubricant for intercourse. This does not make you abnormal in any sense. Just because you used to be comfortable with intercourse without it doesn't mean you don't need it now, and it doesn't mean either of you are doing anything wrong.

We have some articles here that you may find useful;

  • 10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self
  • Is THAT All There Is?
  • Seven Ways to Love Your Body
  • Sexual Negotiation for the Long Haul
  • Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
  • Your Map to the Condom Aisle
  • written 09 Jul 2008 . updated 10 Jul 2008

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