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Sex isn't appealing, but I want to be close to my partner.

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Anonymous asks:

I'm 16 and have been with my boyriend, also 16, for 5 months. He has only ever fingered me as I don't really like the thought of other sexual activities too appealing but feel I am ready for sex as it is a way to be as physically close to him as I am emotionally.

My only problem is is that my opening is really tight and can fit about 2 fingers maximum-- sorry this sounds disgusting? His friends tell me about his "massive penis" and I'm scared he won't be able to fit it in. We have spoken about sex and both agreed that we want to do it, but now I'm just nervous that it won't go as I'd always expected it because I'm too tight? Please help.

Heather Corinna replies:

You know, if you've little to no interest or feelings of strong desire for the physical and sexual aspects of sex, you aren't as likely to reap big positive emotional benefits, either.

For certain, partnered sex can and often does provide emotional intimacy for people, but when the only part one partner wants or likes is the emotional -- especially if they really don't enjoy the physical -- it's more likely to create a disconnect than a connection, so I'd encourage you to rethink this a bit, especially since it can feel pretty crummy to expect to feel very close and instead find you not only feel very physically uncomfortable, but also emotionally distanced, or on a very different page than your partner, instead. What I'd suggest is only doing what DOES feel good, right for you, compelling and comfortable: intercourse is actually one of the least satisfying sexual activities for a majority of women, so if all the rest isn't feeling right or appealing, that's not likely to, either. And there's no sense in jumping into that when you can get just as much emotional and physical intimacy from a good snuggle.

I'd suggest you take a look at this to get a better idea of what you might really be ready for, and what you might not: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist. I'd also suggest having a look at this one, too: Yield for Pleasure.

In terms of worrying about tightness -- and none of this is disgusting, nor should it be seen that way -- understand that when a woman becomes highly aroused, the vaginal opening and canal will usually lubricate and loosen. The vaginal opening isn't any one way, shape or size all of the time: it changes depending on how we're feeling. So, when the time comes that you ARE relaxed and very aroused AND earnestly sexually excited about intercourse, your vaginal opening will usually loosen up. Even with the fingering, if all he's doing is putting fingers inside of you, and not spending time with your whole body as well as more of your clitoris, you may not be getting all that aroused, so you may not be as "tight" as you think you are. But all the same, anyone who expects first intercourse to go seamlessly like it does in the movies -- or any kind of sex, for that matter -- isn't being realistic. It's often far more awkward than romantic, even for couples who enjoy it, who feel good about it, and who are satisfied with it.

Again, this is another smart reason to hold off on vaginal intercourse and entry until sex really is appealing to you, and something to talk with him about again now that you've more information.

(Also know that for a lot of women, with fingering that involves fingers into the vagina, two fingers is just the right thing. Some may like more sometimes, but often, many women feel less is more in that respect, especially since satisfying manual sex -- a, la, fingering -- is often about targeted stimulus, rather than just about filling that canal. So, if you feel like this means you're not normal, think again. Same goes for thinking that a couple of fingers is that much smaller than a penis: they're really not, especially given that even erect penises are smushier than fingers.)

In terms of what his friends are saying, honestly, that's a sort of sexual harassment in my book. Male friends telling you that sort of thing may not mean to be, but what they're doing is scaring and intimidating you about sex and your partner, and that's a pretty creepy and lousy thing to do. I'd tune those words out, and personally, even ask them to give it a rest: sex between you and your partner is only the business of you and your partner, not of his friends. Too, again, if and when you're aroused and relaxed, and doing things BESIDES intercourse and vaginal entry, sparing some initial discomfort some women can have when intercourse is first introduced, it's not likely he "won't fit." The vaginal canal is designed to fit things inside of it, under the right conditions, and very few penises just don't fit into the vaginas of sexually excited women who WANT intercourse, in all respects.

Here are a few more links for you to make more of this clear, and so that you can have more information to make these choices with and talk to your partner about:

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