I have a question which I'm not sure you can answer. I'm 18 years old and a virgin. I have always been kind of self-conscious about my sexuality with regards to expressing it. Recently I've been having phone sex with a woman and it has been the most amazing thing ever. The first time I was really nervous but eventually got into it. The third time we did it it went on for 2 hours. As I was lying there moaning (I hope this isn't too graphic) I started experiencing different parts of my psyche. It was like the purest form of self expression because my ego was completely abolished. At one point though, something happened, my voice got deeper, I started laughing, just out of no where, then my voice got deep and I became really commanding. It felt good because most of the time I feel really repressed, and it just felt good to be this calm happy but also very dominant guy. I want to be that guy again, I want to be more like myself, if that makes sense. I don't know how. Please help!

Hi,

The psychoanalyst in me is rearing its ugly head--it would probably be better if we clubbed the thing before it has a chance to get going.

One of the things about phone sex as opposed to flesh'n'blood sex is that it's a whole lot of fantasy and not much reality. We can pretty much create what we want over the phone because it's really, really safe (and really, really expensive if you're paying $2.98 a minute for it!). So what you're telling me is that the more aggressive side of you can only come out when it's extremely safe. The rest of the time, the wimpy side seems to rule. Hmmmm. How come?

Here's one guess: based on the environment you grew up in, plus a not-too-aggressive disposition, you've found it safer to be more submissive than dominant. If nobody much fostered the more aggressive side of you, it's probably not too used to seeing the light of day.

Now I'm probably not supposed to be saying this, but you are someone who I hope will try to get into some serious therapy--not because of the phone sex, but to help you feel more balanced in your overall personality and in the way you face the world. And I want to emphasize the word balanced. Too dominant or aggressive, and you are just another jerk, and heaven knows, there are enough of them around. Too passive or submissive, and you're just another weenie (angry deep down for having to be a weenie, but without the emotional resources to be much else). I think you'll be much happier in life if you can find balance, which will allow you to be more aggressive when the situation calls for, and passive when you want to be passive. But both of those will be choices, rather than something you have to be because you don't know how to be anything else.

Paul
author of "Guide To Getting It On!"

if you are interested in Paul's book:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1885535694/goofyfootpres