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Painful intercourse and lack of orgasm

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anonymous asks:

I recently lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Prior to sex, we had been fooling around for probably 4 months, whenever he fingered me I always orgasmed after twenty minutes or so but it was usually due to clitoral stimulation. But I can't seem to have an orgasm during sex. Additionally sex is usually a little painful. Anything actually inserted causes what feels like a little burning inside. I've been tested so I know I don't have an STD. I thought it might just be that I was so new to sex but 2 months later it still hasn't gotten much better. We've tried ky and he's fingered me to orgasm before we try sex but the latter just seemed to make penetration a little more painful. I know a lot of women dont orgasm during sex, but I really would like it to at least be enjoyable.

Hollie replies:

You're right to expect that intercourse be enjoyable. There is no reason you should be experiencing any pain or discomfort from intercourse.

As you said, many women do not orgasm from intercourse alone; there needs to be some sort of other genital (usually clitoral) stimulation going on at the same time (or before or after, as you're doing now).

That all said, intercourse should absolutely not be uncomfortable or painful for you. You say you've already been screened for STIs, which is excellent. If you haven't been screened for ALL STIs and/or your partner hasn't been screend yet, that needs to happen too. Have you discussed your the painful intercourse with your doctor? S/he may be able to offer you more information and will definitely be able to treat you better knowing what the problem is.

Being fully aroused and/or having an orgasm prior to penetration usually helps. Is it possible your partner is a little too rough with manual sex? If you're using condoms, is it possible you're allergic to the latex? Using lubrication is super important, but you may want to switch to another lube to see if this helps. I haven't heard a lot of good things about KY Jelly; Astroglide is much preferred here (and has found a permanent home on my own bedside table, if that's not too much info for you!) I, personally, found a major difference when I made the switch.

It's really easy to say, but you need to try not to stress over this. Intercourse is only going to be that much more painful if you're tense and distressed at the idea of it. It's okay (and even advisable) to take a break from the intercourse for now, and try again later. There is nothing saying that once you've done it, you have to or are expected to keep doing it. If you haven't already, you need to discuss your concerns with your partner (re: painful intercourse) and lay out for him what you want and need from him.

Keep up with the sexual activities that have been working for you, and try not to stress over the ones that aren't. Just because it isn't working for you now, doesn't mean there's anything wrong or that it won't work for you in the future. If your partner cannot be supportive of that (not that you've given any indication that this is the case; just saying), you need to find a new partner.

We've got lots of articles here that I'm sure you'll find helpful. (It's a lot, I know, but I promise it's all relevant.)

written 01 Oct 2007 . updated 10 Jan 2013

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