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Overwhelmed with worry about penis size and performance

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curiousgeorge asks:

It seems like lately I am just becoming overwhelmed in worry about my self-image directly related to my penis size and performance. It seems like sometimes my penis varies in size and performance while I am masturbating. I am just wondering what are some tips or advice you can give me on how to get full performance and size out of my penis whether its technique or certain muscles to use.

Heather Corinna replies:

If we pay attention to our whole bodies every day, what we'll usually notice is that nothing is ever static.

In other words, one day running a couple miles may be relatively easy for us, while the next day, we might get winded with half that, or feel like we're dragging. One day our skin is clear, and the next, we've got a zit. One day we're on top of our game when it comes to our mental alertness, while the next we might be spaced out. Because our bodies are influenced by so many factors in any given day, it's not realistic for us to expect any part of them to function exactly the same, or at exactly the same level, as the day before, and that's just as true with our genitals and sex as it is with anything else.

It's also very normal for genitals to vary in size, shape (to some degree), fluids and sensation during a given sexual experience. Not only does the process of arousal cause changes throughout, but again, those day-to-day changes -- due to SO many factors -- in our whole bodies have an influence. For instance, if we're tired, not feeling our best, distracted, worried, the works, our sexual experience and how our bodies respond with any sort of sex is going to vary.

And having anxiety about your genitals and/or sex nearly always saps sexual enjoyment and function.

The solution here isn't to go spend your cash on some bunk product, or to try and find some mysterious secrets on how to be any one size or sustain any one time period of stamina (especially since there really aren't any). It's not to sit and try to isolate this set of muscles or that one, or to masturbate this way or that way. Rather, it's to accept that these variations are perfectly normal in people of all genders, just like the variations of any other part of your body and how it behaves and reacts are normal.

Worrying about your penis size and how it performs while masturbating is a pretty serious buzzkill that there just isn't any reason for: after all, one of the nicest parts of masturbation is that it's sex we can have completely on our own terms where we don't have to worry about impressing anyone else, or being held up to any sort of external standard. Imposing those on yourself needlessly is just going to sap the joy out of solo sex for you. Why do that?

With partners, again, since we all have these sorts of variations -- women, for instance, don't always reach orgasm, or may have a mild orgasm one day and a bigger one the next, our clitorises may not become as large or erect as we'd like, etc. -- worrying about someone having expectations that your body will be exactly the same or at some sort of maximum with every sexual situation is also misplaced. In the case that a partner did have that expectation, the problem is with an unrealistic expectation, not with you. And for the most part, because most of us know how much our bodies vary, few people are going to have that kind of expectation anyway, or even be that aware of slight size or performance variations with your penis: that's usually all in the eye of the beholder.

Cut yourself a break, George, okay? Whether you're alone or with partners, if you're enjoying yourself, and a partner is enjoying themselves, and you've got the biggest essentials of good sex down -- creativity, communication, sensitivity, attentiveness and a real respect and enjoyment of your body and theirs -- you've got all you need. Really. Getting caught up in needless worries about size or fluids or what have you is only going to be a barrier to pleasurable, good sex for you -- the barrier is the distraction and anxiety of that, not what size your penis is at a given time.

Here are a couple of links that might also help out:

written 17 Aug 2007 . updated 02 Feb 2013

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