Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year and we're both 18. I've been masturbating pretty regularly since i was about 13 and can reach orgasm myself quite comfortably, and my boyfriend can get me off pretty easily as well, but only if he does exactly what I do to myself. I can't reach orgasm any other way: orally, during intercourse (when I'm on top it feels different, and feels like it may be doing something, but doesn't feel much like it's building to orgasm), fingering, anything but clitoral stimulation by hand. I feel super ticklish whenever his hand strays from where I expect it to go, and I know that this is annoying for him. Thing is, I'm totally comfortable with sex and enjoy the sensation and emotional connection. I'm also totally comfortable with him, we talk about sex pretty openly and I don't get 'nervous' about sex or trying things. So why am I so ticklish and jumpy during foreplay, and unable to reach an orgasm in any way other than how I do it? Am I just too used to well... myself? I also don't really get turned on by anything but my own fantasies (situations in which neither me nor my partner are involved), so it's like my mind isn't really focussed on him at all. It's just like doing it how I'd usually do it on my own :)

Dear Kitty,

I think what you are getting caught up in is the idea of how sex should be, and you are forgetting that it is a tremendously personal thing that each of us experiences in our own way. To me, the most important thing that you said is,

"I'm totally comfortable with sex and enjoy the sensation and emotional connection. I'm also totally comfortable with him, we talk about sex pretty openly and I don't get 'nervous' about sex or trying things."

I don't know how many people who are twice your age can boast that! Sounds pretty sensational to me, especially for someone who has only been having sex with a partner for a couple of years. Sure, there are things you can try over time to expand your sexual experience, perhaps like trying to masturbate when your partner is in you, which is probably how the vast majority of women who have orgasms during intercourse actually do it, with a finger, hand, or vibrator assist.

I can appreciate how frustrated at times your boyfriend might feel about having to do it just one way to help you have an orgasm, but I hope both of you will start to look at it differently: stop making your orgasm the goal. For instance, when he's giving you oral sex, why not just make your mutual fun and enjoyment the goal, instead of whether you do or don't orgasm that way?

Perhaps both of you also need to realize that your ticklishness might be a sign that you need more teasing and anticipation building before anyone goes reaching below the belt. Do you like making out? What happens if the two of you make out for a little longer, until you are the one who wants the two of you to move into a higher gear?

As for sex fantasies and dreams, fortunately--and I do mean fortunately--no so called sex experts have made up rules for what we should or shouldn't be thinking about when we are sexually aroused! The theater of the mind is just that--for you to do what you want in. And if it doesn't read the script of some porn movie, what's the big deal? Different people get off to different things, some having very little to do with anything that anyone else would consider to be sexy or sexual.

There's so very much you still have to explore and experience sexually--sounds to me like you are off to an incredible start!

Paul
author of "Guide To Getting It On!"

if you are interested in Paul's book:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1885535694/goofyfootpres-20