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My breasts failed his sexual fantasy.

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Anonymous asks:

My boyfriend and I are both 18 years old. We've been going out for almost 8 months now. We don't have sex, but we still fool around a lot. My boyfriend used to watch a lot of porn, so he has some really crazy ideas sometimes. I don't mind them and find most of them really interesting. The other night we decided to try when a guy places a penis between your breasts and thrusts until ejaculating. I insisted we didn't because of one problem- I'm a 32 A. Now keep in mind that I'm content with my breast size. However, I used to think it was abnormal to be so small since all the girls in my family are at least a B. Most are at least a C. So this moment really frustrated me and even provoked me to feel insecure about my breast size.....again. Of course our adventure failed because I just don't have enough cleavage to hold him in place.

My boyfriend loves me very much, we both plan to spend our lives together, and we lovingly accept each other for who we are. But I know he was dissapointed and that really made an effect on me. Even though he still loves me, it hurts to be unable to satisfy a fantasy.

Heather Corinna replies:

You know, there are good reasons why we distinguish fantasy from reality.

If your boyfriend not only expects that both of you CAN do everything he sees in pornography, but also that you will both -- and not just because one of you does -- even WANT to, then he needs a reality check. You don't need breasts which are any different than the breasts you have.

He needs to recognize that a) a lot of what he sees in porn won't be things plenty of his female partners will even want to do (particularly given that most porn is made for men, and only to serve male interests) and b) if he's like most people, most of his sexual fantasy will be just that: fantasy, not reality. You're saying you DO share a lot of those sexual interests/fantasies, but he shouldn't expect that from partners.

There's absolutely no reason for you to feel insecure about this. Even if he had a partner with larger breasts, this may not have been something she wanted to do, so he'd have to live it out in his head. Too, even with that partner with larger breasts who wanted to do this, chances are very good that the experience in reality wouldn't live up to the fantasy in his head (especially if he wanted his female partner to be experiencing pleasure of her own: this penis/breast stuff, for instance, isn't particularly exciting for a lot of women sexually and/or emotionally -- when women talk about their sexual fantasies and desires, you don't hear many saying this tops the list).

It is also highly unrealistic on your part to get the idea that two people could possibly satisfy all of each other's sexual fantasies. Many sexual fantasies aren't physically or emotionally safe, or aren't things both will earnestly want to do. In a sexual partnership, both partners will often be uninterested in, or unwilling or unable to make their partner's fantasies realities. I'm sure your boyfriend can't morph into whatever musician you had plastered all over your locker to fulfill your fantasy, or grow five tongues. As well, we can safely say that most people aren't likely to have mutually beneficial sex lives when there's nothing but, or a lot of, parroting from porn, especially women, since so much of what is shown in porn as massively enjoyable for actresses is often offensive to, dismissive of, or dreadfully boring for real, live women who aren't being paid to pretend something is rocking their world that isn't anything close.

If you two want to explores some of your sexual fantasies together, it should be a given that you're only engaging in that with fantasy that really is about both of you, just as you are. And too, being unable to satisfy every fantasy partners both have does not mean your sex life is somehow lesser than it would be otherwise. A sexual partnership doesn't trump or have to include all of a person's solo sex life and sexuality: it's about finding where there is shared common ground, not about trying to be everything and anything to each other. That's neither realistic nor particularly healthy.

So, it's his job to manage his disappointment with this sort of thing, not yours. It's also his job, if he's a good partner, to be sure that when he is disappointed, he's making clear that that's about him, not you, and comforting you if a situation like this leaves you feeling low.

As for your breasts? Do remember that while we can certainly enjoy our own breasts in many ways, the reason they are ultimately here isn't for appearance or for sex: they're here for feeding babies. Even if you don't ever have yours used for that purpose, it's a good thing to remember to keep things in perspective. Basing our body image on our sexual use or appeal doesn't tend to result in positive body image. Getting hung up on what size your breasts are really has little or nothing to do with women or with you, because the only reason any woman (including lesbian women) has to care about what size her breasts are -- beyond being sure our blouses fit properly -- is due to the way men frame what breasts are for. And again, just like with that sexual fantasy, that really, truly, has nothing at all to do with you, and everything to do with them. Your breasts as they are express you, as you are, and what should make them great is that they're yours, and a part of you as a unique, whole person: if they looked different, they'd be someone else's breasts, part of someone else's unique, whole person.

written 12 Dec 2007 . updated 19 Jan 2009

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