My BFF and I hooked up at a sleepover; now she wants to have sex all the time but I want to stop
Lena replies:<b>anna says:</b> I invited me friend for a sleepover and during the night she liked my clitoris, I didn't tell her to stop because I was worried about how she would take it but I'm not a lesbian so we ended up having sex even though I felt really weird about it. Now she wants to have sex all the time. what should I do?
Anna, I'm sorry to hear that you're in this tough situation right now. You really like having your friend as just a friend and want to keep it that way whereas she would prefer a more sexual relationship. You don't want to hurt her feelings but you also don't want to keep having sex!
While we certainly promote a "just say no" attitude to any unwanted sexual encounters, regardless of gender or sexual activity, it can be a lot harder in practice when it's a friend who's interested. Before I explore some other things to consider, here's my quick answer of how to stop.
1. First, avoid any situations where things could get sexual, such as any sleepovers or hanging out where the two of you are alone in a private place. You can later go back to these things when you're set some ground rule but avoiding such scenarios will help you avoid even having to say no.
2. Second, I would talk to her about how you feel, that you want to stop having sex but continue your platonic, non-sexual friendship. Easier said than done, of course! However, you can speak up and do so in a kind way that minimizes hurt feelings. You can tell her how much you value her as a friend but just aren't sexually attracted to her, that you aren't a lesbian or bisexual; you can also mention how she deserves a great partner who likes her both as a friend and sexual partner, but that you are just not that person. While having such a conversation in person would be best, starting it through other means, such as through messaging or an email might be easier; however, as always, anything written down can be copied, edited, pasted around, etc.
Please note: You don't owe her anything, including even a friendship and especially not sex. If I were she, I would feel bad that you were doing something you didn't want to because of me. I might feel disappointed that you weren't attracted to me in the same way I was into you, but your feelings would come first. After all, we are humans with complex emotions, not a petri dish or guinea pig in someone's science fair project. (And even that guinea pig probably wouldn't be too into it!)
3. Third, I would work on establishing new boundaries for your friendship. Your friend may feel sad or disappointed by your reaction, but she needs to respect it. If she can't, then she doesn't sound like someone you'd want for a friend of any type. When we're already having trouble accepting our own sexual orientation, being "rejected" can feel extra tough. However, it's just a fact of life and relationships for everyone. I like how while you yourself are not lesbian, you are accepting of your friend's orientation. There are plenty of others to show your support for her, such as offering to attend a LBGT group meeting with her.
To speak more generally now, I will mention that sexual experimentation as a teen with friends is very normal for people of all orientations. I have linked some articles below for you to read about general information as well as hear about others' experiences.
One last thing I would like to address is how you feel about setting boundaries and sticking up for yourself in other areas of your life? It's not easy turning down a friend when we care about them, but it's an important social skill to develop over time. If you have trouble saying no to friends, something that affects many adults as well, now is a great time to work on that; over the course of our lives, we have to say no and/or stick up for ourselves in numerous situations. However, being able to "agree to disagree" is a good and necessary aspect of our friendships and other social arrangements, such as at school or work. I have including some articles on that topic below for starters. Good luck and should you need a bit more support and you by step-by-step, please do contact us at the Scarleteen message boards.
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz
The Bees and...the Bees: A Homosexuality and Bisexuality Primer
Life Lessons from the Third Stall on the Left
Safer Sex...for Your Heart
Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
Sexual Negotiation for the Long Haul