Skip to main content

Mandatory blow jobs and odd penile discharge

Share |
Anon asks:

I have been giving my boyfriend "blow jobs" all through our 10 month relationship and its been fine so far, I cant say I like or enjoy it but its been ok, recently I had a sore throat and when I gave him a bj noticed that balls of hard white stuff came from no where into my mouth, I assumed it was left from my sore throat and stopped, using my throat as an excuse but it kept happening everytime I gave him a bj. A couple weeks ago whilst I had my tongue on the tip of his penis I felt one actually come out! so now I know where they are coming from but what the hell are they? It makes me heave like anything when one comes out and makes me feel physically ill but since at the start of our relationship he told me that he didnt think he could be with a girl who wouldn't or couldn't give head I continue to do it. I also dont want to embarrass him by asking him directly but is it just semen dried into hard balls that are being pushed out when I squeeze down with my lips? How can I stop it happening? It makes me feel really ill, please help.

Heather Corinna replies:

Anon: first things first.

Obviously, on top of giving oral sex when you don't even want to, you've also been doing it unprotected. So, the very first thing I'd advise you strongly to do is to go into your doctor or sexual healthcare clinic and get a full STI screen, including a screen for your mouth and throat.

I'd suggest that even without your boyfriend (or you: your sore throat may have been related) having any symptoms, but what you're describing does sound like a possible infection, and since you've been exposed directly on many occasions without any STI protection, I'd get in there straightaway. What you're describing does not sound normal, and semen doesn't "dry" inside the penis in a way that it'd come out in hard clumps. It could be something as simple as him having a yeast infection, but not only do you really not want that in your throat, it also could be something more dangerous.

Really, unless the two of you were together for at least six months monogamously AND using latex barriers -- including for fellatio -- AND each have had at least two full and negative screens for all possible sexually transmitted infections, going without protection (including for oral sex) isn't smart. And if those aren't things you can ask a partner for freely and openly, then that's not a good partner to be with.

Of equal concern is you doing something sexually that you really don't want to and don't enjoy, on top of not doing it in a way that protects your health.

While it's fair and valid for a potential partner to say they really enjoy something sexually, and want their partnerships to incorporate that, you being in a position now where you feel forced to do something you don't enjoy or want to do to maintain the relationship isn't. In the future, if someone has any sort of sexual entry requirements where you're not sure how you feel about an activity, the answer when someone says something like he did at the start is that you don't know if you'll enjoy that or not with him (especially since we may like an activity with one partner, but not another), but you'll see. And if you know from the start you flat-out don't enjoy something, then if someone has that something as a requirement, you've got to just muster up the self-esteem to tell them that that's too bad, but you don't like doing that, so a sexual relationship isn't likely a good idea.

Have you ever simply told your partner that you have tried to give fellatio but just do not like it? If you have not, you truly need to. Ten months is a pretty long relationship, but if throughout, one or both partners have been doing something they don't like as if it is a requirement, and as if their preferences don't matter too, that's a pretty big barrier to real trust and intimacy, and it's also pretty profoundly unhealthy emotionally -- and in your case, physically as well.

I know that's not going to be an easy conversation to have when things have gone on like this for so long, but too, unless your partner is pretty clueless or just ignoring what he's seeing here, it's hard to imagine he doesn't have some inkling that you're doing something you don't like doing: it's usually pretty obvious when our partners are really into something and when they aren't. A sensitive partner who was coming to partnered sex understanding it's about mutual pleasure would likely have said something to you by now, and I'm dismayed that he hasn't. Like I said, while him having preferences like anyone else is fine and fair, him making any sexual activity mandatory for a partner is not -- and all the more so when it's not even safe sex -- and it's clear you feel that way, and also seems like he may be reinforcing you feeling that way.

In the long run, it's just not healthy to have these sorts of sexual dynamics in your life. So, I'd strongly encourage you to either talk about this with your partner, or if you feel like it isn't even something you can discuss at all, to consider moving on from this relationship to something more healthy for you -- and which makes real room for you to be a part of it, rather than putting you in an unwanted service position -- in all senses.

But first, please do get into a healthcare professional to be looked at, and if you're going to still give fellatio while you're figuring out to do, at the very least, until your partner also has this looked into, use a condom for oral sex. And if THAT is non-negotiable, then you have a partner who just isn't treating you with basic care, and the ONLY smart option is to move on.

I've included a couple of links for you that I think will be of use, and I hope they help you out.

written 11 Jul 2007 . updated 13 Dec 2012

More like This

Do you sometimes feel like the people you know who are able to set boundaries clearly and stick to them, assert their own needs, and just generally stand up for themselves, are like some kind of...

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.