Hello,
I am a mother of a young 14-year-old girl. Recently my daughter approached me with a question, and I wasn't sure about my answer. She has a boyfriend, and they have been together for 6 months. She told me that he had asked her to have sex and she said no. He later asked her a couple of times to let him finger her, since it wasn't sex. She finally gave in and let him do it to make him happy. She said that the three times he did it they were both fully clothed, and he just went down her pants. She got scared the third time, because he was hurting her and he wouldn't stop and did it harder. when he finished she said he had a little blood on his finger. She then went to the bathroom and told me that a lot of blood came down and it felt like her period but it wasn't. My daughter wanted to know if she was still a virgin, and my heart was aching. I told her she was, but not quite sure about the whole incident. She apparently told me that most girls are letting their boyfriends do that because it's not sex and they stay virgins. I really need your expert advise so I can convince her about the truth. Thank you, and I know this is an ongoing action in teens today, and they really don't realize it's playing with fire.

Hi, props to you for taking the time to be open with your daughter, even if it pains you to see her grow up so fast. The bleeding you've described sounds like a simple injury. Fingernails are sharp, and vaginal lining isn't impervious to scrapes and abrasions. Tell her she needs to let the cut heal. This means no sexual contact and no tampons. If it is still bleeding fresh blood after three days, take her to a doctor for a pelvic examination (you want to make sure it's not a serious injury).

Lucky for you, it seems you are well-versed in talking about tough topics with your daughter, and she's not afraid to come to you for help. You need to give her the whole scoop. While she may not have had sexual intercourse yet, you need to explain to her that manual sex (aka "fingering") is still a form of sexual activity, and it comes with responsibilities. That includes being able to use water-based lube with finger cots or latex gloves (all readily available at the local drug store). While many people consider virginity to be preserved up until the moment of coitus, it's a faulty definition. Considering that virginity was invented as a way to control social behavior, if a person has to rely on a technicality to maintain the title of "virgin," then I think they have missed the point completely. but that is for your consideration. Please read Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context for more information about virginity and all that it entails.

What caught my attention is that you said, "She finally gave in and let him do it to make him happy." Sex in any form needs to be something a person does on their own terms. Engaging in sexual activity because of pressure or any other reason other than actually wanting to engage in the activity is a sure-fire way to develop unhealthy habits and hang-ups in the future. As it stands, your daughter isn't asserting herself and her wants. She's just doing it to please him, and I'm sure that's something neither of you want.

I would recommend you read the following articles. If you can read them with her, that'd be swell.

• 10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)

• Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To
• Safer Sex...for Your Heart
• Sexual Negotiation for the Long Haul

Sorry if that seems like a lot, but you have a lot of ground to cover with your daughter. She'll thank you for it.