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I'm not comfortable with "dirty" talk, so how do I have phone sex?

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anonymous asks:

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 10 months. We have been in a long distance relationship the whole time that we have been together but we have seen each other at least once a month and just recently spent the entire summer living together. But anyways I just moved back home and I need advice on how to have phone sex with her. Obviously we are having sex and I love her more then I have ever loved someone yet I can't seem to rid myself of this shyness I seem to have on the phone. I want to but I am shy and so is she. It's hard for me to say the dirty words to her because I've always watched my mouth around ladies. How can I overcome this? I need to know how to initiate, continue and end.

Heather Corinna replies:

You know, you're not obliged to use language that you -- or she -- aren't comfortable using, and which doesn't make you or both of you feel good.

What phone sex is -- just like what other kinds of sex are -- can differ a whole lot from couple to couple. And how any two people talk sex with each other is really individual. For some, using "dirty" or taboo words for sex acts and body parts or a given scenario feels like the right thing, and is exciting for them, but for others, speaking more romantically, or using words that aren't so loaded or coarse -- or few words at all! -- feels more right.

Too, not everyone has phone sex by even talking all that much, or by describing sex acts explicitly. Sometimes, two people may just masturbate together on the phone wordlessly, sometimes they might talk out a role-play scenario, sometimes they might describe exactly what they're doing, sometimes they might direct their partner to do things: it's really all over the map, and it can be whatever you both want it to be. How things start, continue and end with a phone sex session also isn't something there is any one way to do, or any one given set of rules for. Think of it like kissing: sometimes it might start by one person asking the other if they want to do it, but other times it might start more organically, with two people just going in for a kiss at the same time, or starting to kiss after they've been snuggling a while. How it continues depends on the individual dynamics, interests and styles of those two people, and how and when it ends on what they like and want at a given time as well.

Sometimes, too, phone sex just isn't something that a couple finds all that exciting, interesting or comfortable in the first place: not everyone doing long-distance has phone sex.

You say you're both shy: are you both averse to using the kind of language you seem to feel like you have to use? If so, there's just no reason to worry about doing something you're both uncomfortable about: instead, focus on what IS comfortable for you both, and is authentic (as in, what feels like something you would say normally, rather than something in a script someone else wrote) for you.

Or, has she asked you to speak in a certain way? If so, then that's just something to talk about together. And if she has, understand that while you might feel reticent because you feel like you need to speak in a certain way around women to be respectful, if a given woman is making clear that she doesn't consider that kind of talk disrespectful, the most respectful thing is to take her word on that.

Find out what she's really looking for from the phone sex, what she wants, and talk about what you feel like will or won't work for you. Seek out some middle ground if you need to. If you both WANT to start using language that's a bit stronger than you're used to, and that IS exciting for you both, take baby steps, and by all means, don't treat it like going to church. In other words, you're both allowed to giggle or feel silly about it at first if that's how you feel, and it's totally okay. Too, both of you should be initiating: it shouldn't rest on just you or just her to do so.

Of course, if phone sex isn't something either of you wants to do, but you feel like you have to or should, know that you aren't required to.

There are lots of ways couples who are long-distance can still have intimacy. Letter-writing, for instance, is a really good way to do that, and if you want to explore sexuality through words, you can do it with paper and pen just as well -- and perhaps better, if that feels like a better fit for you -- as via the phone. Or, you could each write sexual letters, fantasies or remembrances of previous sex together for the other to read to one another if that feels more comfortable. Sustaining sexual chemistry and romance is far more about being creative and individual than it is about doing things any one given way, or the way it seems like others do it: how boring would that be? After all, it's the uniqueness of our relationships that makes things so cool and interesting, and makes the sex in them great. So, why not have a talk together where you brainstorm things you'd both like to try and do while you're long-distance, and see what you come up with?

written 08 Sep 2007 . updated 09 Sep 2013

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