Since I was four years old, I've wanted to be perceived as male. Up until recently, this never meant being "masculine" but just being called 'he, sir, him,' etc. I used to wear baggy clothes and do nothing with my long hair. then when I turned ten, I had some pressure to dress more feminine but it wasn't rejected by me. I then cut my hair really short. When a girl at school said she thought I was a guy "for a second", I was overjoyed.

With my girl/friends (non sexual) I feel awkward. I don't know what the heck they're saying sometimes! Although, in high school I did get smart and realize that to get to know the ladies, it helped to act interested in makeup and clothes. *guilty face* With my dude friends, I feel more comfortable having guys more sensitive than me. also, guys who are into gay rights even if they're straight. I like know that I just as "guyish" as them. When I have/had boyfriends, it's a competition. I want to make sure I ask him out first, put the "moves" on him (not sex but kissing and such). I've never liked the thought of having intercourse (as a girl.) When I have girlfriends, it's a competition because they want to force me into a feminine role. I'm starting to think the best girl for me would be a straight woman who is open-minded and doesn't mind a strap-on instead of a real penis. I don't know!

Writing short stories and fan fiction has always been my way to vent. I always act/write as the males and as one of my friends pointed out, I write stereotypical female characters who are there to "be pretty." I don't want to be that type of guy!!! but to be honest, being a jerk (in a gentle way) is sometimes a turn-on. i guess the extreme of it is exciting, it's sooo traditional and stereotypical.

Lately, my identity is getting more masculine. I'm trying to go for clothes that I like, not that "looks good" on me by other peoples' standards. However, I have sometimes fit into the female role. I used to be "boy crazy" but I don't know if that was a gimmick. getting called "girly" has always annoyed me.

I hate to admit it but I am TERRIFIED. I can't focus in school, every thought of mine is about gender..My mom is worried. no one knows why I'm not at a university (i'm at community college).. I just am not as interested in school as in my gender and I can't stand it. Every day is weird. I hate my body, and I hate the perceptions of me.

Sure sounds like you're experiencing some pretty heavy-duty gender dysphoria. Cut yourself a break for feeling so obsessed with these big feelings, or for them being such a big deal: for a lot of people, they really ARE a big deal, and massive body image and gender identity problems certainly can create some pretty major overwhelm and distraction from the rest of your life. And when you're bisexual as well as genderqueer, it can be a pretty serious double-whammy (or is that quadruple-whammy?).

One of the trickiest things in talking to people about the kinds of gender issues you're bringing up, is finding the often-murky line bewteen what is gender dysphoria and/or transgenderism, and what is very vaid and real dissatisfaction with the limiting gender roles we're often privy to and put under in society and culture, or body image issues that are so pervasive for so many young bio-women. And ultimately, that part of the equation is something we all have to figure out for ourselves, by doing a good deal of self-examination and asking a lot of questions of ourselves, generally over time. For instance, if girls weren't given the "girly," "pretty" decorative role, do you think you'd still feel like you're feeling now (and there's no right answer to questions like these: it's your call). If male roles weren't elective for you the way you're describing in parts of this post, and something you could just try on now and then, would you still feel you wanted to be male-identified? Have you been feeling like you'd feel better transitioning to male, full-time, or not?

Questions like these are a smart place to start, and with you feeling the way you are, and having felt this way for such a long time, the most ideal option would be for you to find a counselor who deals with transgender issues and gender dysphoria. that'd be a person who could help you come up with the questions, process the answers, and really give you some tools to help you cope now and figure out what you need to do for yourself so that you CAN also live and focus on the other vital parts of your life. Your college or general doctor might have good suggestions of where to look. You might also see if you can't connect with a transman or two and just pick their brains a bit, talk to them about their transitions and their lives to see what does or doesn't strike a chord with you.

Above all else, though, while I understand how urgent all of this can feel, I'd bear in mind that much like sexual orientation, gender identity often tends to be something that takes time to figure out, and often it doesn't bode well to treat it as a crisis -- so while I get how distracted you are, it's also likely to mess your life up pretty badly if you can't get at least pay mind to some of the other aspects of your life -- school, friends, work, et cetera. Again, this is something a smart counselor who isn't transphobic could help you out with a lot. Too, the things you know you ARE comfortable with right now: what way of dressing/presenting you feel best with, what type of gender pronouns you want -- you should stick to those and just ask the people around you to be respectful of them. You have that right.

One other idea? You can possibly have the best of both worlds right now at school, so that you can get a little back on track there: how about looking into taking some gender stuides courses?