I really want to have sex with her ... what should I do?
Susie replies:Hi, I'm 16 and my girlfriend is going on 15 in a month. I've wanted to have sex with her for a while, and I've spoke to her about it twice. The last conversation ending up in a fight which was resolved. But she thinks that it's wrong to have sex unless you are prepared to have a kid. I hate kids, so does she. I want to have sex with her, and she says she wants to make me happy, but I kind of want her to feel the same as me about it. What should I do?
Your girlfriend is being VERY sensible, whether you may happen to believe it or not. People with vaginas have a LOT at stake when they become sexually active. They are more prone to infections than people with penises. And yes, they can get pregnant, which is a very taxing process for her body, everybody's nerves and the bank accounts of those involved. Unwanted pregnancy is obviously a concern of hers.
She is right to say that it is not a good idea to have sex until you are prepared to deal with having a baby. Being prepared to have a baby is not the same thing as deliberately making baby every time you have sex (i.e., the idea that sex is only for procreative purposes). She just wants to make sure you both have a plan in place in case something goes wrong.
Here's what you do:
- Don't pressure her. If she says she's not ready, pushing her into having sex is going to make her feel awful about herself, about sex, and about YOU.
- Leave her an open door to come around when she is ready to have sex. Till then, you should discuss your plans for things like birth control, doctors visits, STI testing, condoms, and how you would want to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. You must accept that there is a possibility that she may never be ready to have sex with you. She's only 14, and a lot of girls don't start having sex until many years later.
- Read Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist, and think about whether you really have the capacity to conduct a responsible and healthy sexual relationship. If you're sure you can hold up your end of the partnership in this respect, then read the checklist with her.
- Also read Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner and Sexual Negotiation for the Long Haul. These two articles will give you more help with your problem.