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I need help finding a boyfriend because I go to an all-girl school

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kk17 asks:

I'm 14 and haven't got a boyfriend. I go to an all girls' school, so there are no boys there. I really need help on what I can do to find a boyfriend because loads of my friends have got a boyfriend or have kissed a boy properly before.

It's just really depressing when they start talking about their latest boyfriend, and I just have to go away and sit on my own pretending I don't care. This isn't really a sex related question, but I really just need someone to talk to.

Thanks, but sorry for the lack of sex related stuff.

Lena replies:

Hey kk17,

Welcome! Your question is actually just as Scarleteen-appropriate as one more specifically about sex, because it's related to your sexuality, your interpersonal relationships, and emotional well-being. We're glad you asked!

I attended a same-sex educational institution, albeit it at the university level. For all the benefits of this system, I absolutely hear you about how hard it is to find people of the opposite gender to date or even befriend for that matter! Along those lines, because you are not attending classes or eating lunch with guys who might make for boyfriend possibilities, finding people to date takes a bit more effort. Likewise, boys and men may even become objectified in an odd way as their overall absence can lead to people focusing on generalizations rather than specific individual people and their unique personalities. However, to be fair, people at co-ed schools can also find it just as hard to a boyfriend or girlfriend, if for different reasons. For example, a girl may view her male classmates as brothers than "boyfriend material" after spending most of her K-12 education with them; a guy may harbor a huge crush on a female classmate but feel way too shy to even strike up a conversation. And, ironically, it can even be hard for people to find same-sex partners at single-sex institutions if they are more conservative or people feel under the microscope. There is also something to be said about separating your school (or work) life from your romantic-sexual life. OK, that's all nice said and done but it doesn't garner you a date for the weekend, so I'll now proceed with tips on that topic.

There are a lot of ways to meet people to date. Here are a few places to look.

I'd suggest starting by doing what you already like to do, just maybe in different contexts. What are your hobbies and interests? What organized or informal social activities do you participate in? If you love playing sports, how about joining a co-ed sports group? If you love music, what about joining or even forming a new choir, ensemble or band? You could join a community service organization, explore in-person activism for a cause you care about, become active in a religious youth group if that's your thing, take on a part-time job, or try any other local group with other young people that strikes your fancy. Whether you meet any guys you're interested in or not, you'll be doing something you love and making new friends. And someone who is doing her own thing is infinitely more attractive than someone who just appears on the make for a new boyfriend. While desperation is generally a huge turn-off, happiness is a contagious. A bit trite but true; you don't need to go around with a fake grin plastered on your face but a certain openness is essential.

I'd also try being more open with your friends about your interest in dating. Right now they may be a bit confused or even off-put by the attitude towards dating that you have exhibited in the past. While you're not compelled to listen to someone blabber on about his or her latest squeeze, acting like you don't care or pouting alone may make them feel bad, as if you can't share their happiness or are criticizing them for dating who they are when the opposite is actually true. I'd come clean to your friends about this, if only to say that you are happy for them but hearing them go on and on makes you sad because you would also like to date but don't have any prospects. It should lead to more open, honest discussion and maybe even yield some dates. Many people like playing matchmaker and letting people know you're interested in dating gives them the liberty to do so. You may find yourself set up with some duds, but the more people you meet, the more chances you have to meet a potential boyfriend or just some interesting new friends. There is always the classic "double-date" or the more common situation of group dates, which can be structured as attending a formal school dance as someone's date or as casual as hanging out together one afternoon at someone's house.

Online social networking sites can help you do some background research ("So, Suzy, I've heard you talk about your friend Bob from tennis camp a lot. He from looks interesting and I see he's single... you think the three of us could hang out some time?") Just remember that sometimes the people with the least flashy profiles or snazzy pictures may actually be the most interesting and truly attractive people in-person.

Those are some ways to meet people to date. You'll notice I talked as much about making friends as I did finding a boyfriend. Even if in your heart of hearts you'd like to find a beau, approaching the search as more of a way to meet friends and, oh yeah, maybe even a hot date! will take some pressure off of you... and the people you're interested in.

Additionally, since you also mentioned an interest in kissing, I'm going to assume you're interested in finding a sexual partner as much as romantic one. While the "practicing kissing with your hand" technique, surely utilized by much of the population to no avail at one point on their journeys towards sexual self-discovery, may not help you much, there are other more hands-on ways to explore your sexuality. I'm talking about everything from masturbating (yes, masturbating! so you know what you like when you are in a relationship and just have a fun and fulfilling time on your own) to educating yourself as much as possible (reading up at Scarleteen, talking to friends and family members, etc.)

Finally, there are times in our lives when we'd like to date or be in relationships but are just not able to for various reasons. We just focus on other aspects of our lives, our schooling or friendships or hobbies or what have you. We put that love and passion into those things and find happiness; if we should also find love or lust, then even better but it's not the reason we're doing them in the first place. A great relationship can feel like the best thing in the world but a bad relationship can feel like the very opposite. It's also important to keep who you are and what you're interested in in check; it's one thing to go on a date or two with someone you like but aren't really interested in and another to find yourself in an unwanted committed relationship where you feel stuck and unhappy.

This all can and probably will take time but I am positive you'll find someone you really like and someone who really likes you sooner rather than later. Please keep doing what you love, meeting new people in new places, and opening up to those around you to share your thoughts and hear about their experiences. I wish you the best of luck!

Here are some related articles you may find interesting. Some are very much to the point (10 Best Things) while others (Life Lessons) are more about general life experiences, such as being envious of friends or what to expect from first-time intercourse. The article on talking about sex may be written for couples but the talking techniques can be applied for any open, positive conversation about sex or dating.

- 10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)
- Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
- A Calm View from the Eye of the Storm: Hysteria, Youth and Sexuality
- Does Abstinence Make the Heart Grow Fonder?
- Getting Real: Relationships on the Net
- Is THAT All There Is?
- Life Lessons from the Third Stall on the Left
- Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
- Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
- To Be... AWESOME or Just Be –– Tips on Making the Most of Your Life Right Now!

written 17 Jul 2009 . updated 21 Jan 2014

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