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I like him, and he wants to have sex but I really don't.

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Anonymous asks:

I really like this guy and now he has asked me to have sex I am under age and I don't really want to do it but I really like him but he just wants to mess about and I want more of a committment. I really don't know what to do, so confused. HELP PLEASE.

Heather Corinna replies:

It sounds like you're not confused at all to me: in fact, I hear you being really clear.

You know he wants one thing, and you want something else. You know you don't want to do something he wants to do. In short, you know that the two of you want different things and that as it stands, there's no middle ground.

When that's the case, then you just don't do the thing you don't want to do, in the context you know isn't what you want or need, and it really is that simple of a choice. Doesn't mean it's easy to say no to someone you like -- that's not the simple part, and it takes some guts to advocate for yourself, with anyone -- but it does mean that choosing to say no is simple and uncomplicated.

What happens if you say yes to sex you don't want? Well, for starters, it's a crappy experience for you. Sex really is only good, satisfying and good-feeling physically and emotionally when we want it, and not just because someone else does, but because WE WANT IT. Full-stop. Too, you wind up setting a precedent that is going to make getting what you DO want even harder: someone who doesn't want to commit or have a more serious or romantic relationship isn't going to change their tune because you have sex with them. In fact, since you will have proved that he'll get what he wants even if it isn't what you do, there's no reason for him to even consider anything else.

Too, the sex you have in this situation is more likely to be unsafe. After all, if you can't say no to sex this way, are you going to be able, in this situation and with this guy, to insist on birth control and safer sex when those things are needed? To tell this guy when something hurts, doesn't feel good, or you just need him to stop? It's a LOT harder to put the brakes on once the car is already started than it is when the key isn't even in the ignition, especially when you're agreeing to do something you don't want to in the first place.

And none of that is even touching on the legal issues or the possible negative consequences like STIs, birth control, date rape, social fallout, the works. Sex has its pros, but it also has its cons, and even when there are some negative or tough consequences, they're a whole lot easier to manage when the sex was wanted, when you're with someone you know you trust and who cares just as much about your needs and wants as their own, and where both people involved are on the same page.

You're not confused: you're just second-guessing yourself. I'd encourage you not to do that: no one is a better expert on what is right for you than you. You know this isn't it, so put some real trust and faith in yourself and what you know. Hold out for a relationship and/or sex that IS what you want, in the context you need. It'll come around, especially if you stay true to yourself and don't accept anything less than what you know you want and need.

written 23 Jul 2007 . updated 20 Dec 2012

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