I'm fourteen, and I've been with my boyfriend for several months now. We're 1,000 miles apart, so most of our communication is via instant messaging or phone. As time has gone on, we've gotten more and more "intimate" (as much as one can on the internet/phone). We've never had cybersex, but more of a roleplay involving touching and the like. Recently, we've gotten more into that on the phone, and for three nights now it's gotten a lot more personal. We've listened to each other masturbate and talked to each other while we do. Last night it became more of an "imagine it's me" thing rather than a "just enjoy yourself" thing. At the time it seemed perfectly okay, but now I'm starting to feel bad about it. I was raised to believe in abstinence until marriage, and I can't decide whether this is right or wrong to me. I personally feel okay about it, but the little voice in my head put there by my parents doesn't. Basically, I'm looking for some advice and wondering if this is wrong.

Hello, Wondering!

Abstinence means different things to different people, just as the concept of virginity does. The awesome thing about concepts like these is that YOU get to decide how it applies to you and when! Believing that masturbation and fantasy are part of your abstinence ideal is just as valid as all forms of sex being excluded. The only thing that makes it valid is if it's comfortable for you, and you arrive to it by your own terms.The opinions and feelings of one's parents are important to lots of people, but one of the things healthy parents accept from the moment they have a child is that not only will their child develop tastes, preferences, and values different from theirs, but that their child will grow to be a sexual being. It is your parent's responsibility to accept these facts, not yours to conform to whatever misgivings they have about them.

You're exploring your sexuality like some 99% of the world's population has; there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with any type of sexual expression or activity as long as it is safe, consensual, and what you truly want. If you feel good about what you're doing, having fun, and being safe, what's so bad, right? Right!

I'm going to link you to some additional reading, including a brief piece on Internet relationships. It sounds like a mutually beneficial relationship in which you both care for one another, but I just want to make sure you're on steady ground, and nobody can hear basic measures to protect themselves and their heart enough!

All the best,

Lauren, Scarleteen.com

Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep.)
10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)
Getting Real: Relationships on the Net