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I am a girl, but I wish I was a gay boy. Let me start off by saying, I am a straight girl. I know for a fact that I'm not trans. I am a girl, I was born a girl and I don't think I was born in the wrong body. I am comfortable in my body. But recently I find myself looking up anything gay related on the internet. Gay love stories and short videos on youtube, most of my favourite couples on TV shows are usually the gay ones; and not girl on girl. For some reason; I don't like seeing girl on girl, but I love seeing guys together. I think it's more like I'm jealous of gay relationships. How can I be a straight girl who likes boys, but enjoy and sometimes envy gay relationships. I'm just a bit confused about myself is all. What does it mean? Why am I like this?
Majani's question continued:
This is weird, but even when I watch porn, on occasions I watch male and female, but most of the time... And recently, I find myself watching gay porn. Most of the gay porn I watch are usually the ones where one of the guys initiate first and the other is reluctant at first... Also I find it absolutely amazing watching a guy suck another guy on porn, it just seems so pleasuring. As I stated before, I'm a girl and I like my body, even my genitals, but when I watch gay porn, I touch myself and imagine I have a penis. I get more pleasured thinking about how it feels to have another guy give me a blowjob if I had a penis and imagining a girl doing it turns me off. I just think guys honestly have get more pleasure with their parts than girls do with our parts. I'm jealous of that and I want that, but if I were ever to feel that same pleasure, I want a guy to give it to me. But a gay guy. Except, a gay guy wouldn't do that with anyone unless it's another male. Which I want to be sometimes.
I don't understand... I mean this isn't called 'bi-curious?' But I'm not interested in other girls...
First of all, I think that it is wonderful that you seem very self-aware and in touch with your interests and desires. Sexual attraction can feel really confusing, regardless of whether you identify as straight, gay, bisexual, queer, or anything else. Society sends us messages that only certain types of sexual attraction is "normal", when in reality everyone is different, and there is no "normal".
You are not alone in your situation. People's attractions can change over time, and can be difficult to describe. It can also feel confusing if your attraction doesn't seem to match with the "straight", "gay", or "bisexual" categories, or the ways you might see those presented in the media or online. Discovering something that turns you on from watching porn or reading erotica can further complicate these attractions, as you might not know where you and your body fit into this sexual fantasy.
There are a couple of ideas here that might be helpful to break down and give you a little more security and clarity in your feelings.
You expressed that you are confident that you are a girl and are comfortable in your body, but that your attraction to gay men is confusing.
Something I think many people often misunderstand is that gender identity and sexual orientation are two separate things, and that if your gender identity (the gender that you identify as) is not aligned with your body parts, then this directly affects your sexual orientation (who you are sexually attracted to), and vice versa.
My summary of gender identity and sexual orientation here is extremely simple (you can read the articles I linked you to for a more in depth look at things), but the bottom line is that they are two separate parts of ourselves. Being "bisexual" or "bi-curious" refers to someone being attracted to (or being interested in exploring sex or a relationship with) both males and females. You state that you are not currently attracted to females, so chances are you are not bisexual or bi-curious.
An important thing to note is that both with gender identity and sexual orientation (as well as our biological sex and the way that we express our gender) it is not always black and white, male and female, straight or gay. The way that we identify and our sexual attraction falls on a spectrum and can be really mushy or unclear. Someone might identify as 100% male or 100% gay, but many people find they feel more like something in between, or some variation (for instance, being attracted to a specific type of person, or personality, or sexual orientation, like gay men).
In addition to being on a spectrum, or something other than black-or-white, sexual orientation and gender identity can both be fluid, or change over time. Many people find that their identity and orientation remain the same, but some folks find that they shift or change as they get older, and meet different people or learn more about themselves and their preferences. This is good to keep in mind not just for yourself, but also when you have partners in the future.
So back to the real core of your question: what does it mean that you are turned on by gay men in porn? Mostly that you are turned on by gay men in porn.
People -- of all genders, of all orientations -- have all sorts of sexual preferences when it comes to porn. The article I'm a Straight Girl, but Wish I Were a Gay Guy... has a really great breakdown of attraction in porn versus attraction in real life. What folks might be sexually attracted to in porn are often different from what they are attracted to in real life, and that is perfectly fine. You might be surprised by how many women (gay or straight) enjoy watching male gay porn, and how many men like watching lesbian porn.
I don't mean to say that your porn preferences are definitely different from your real-life preferences, but they might be. It can be easy to assume that they are the same, even if they are not. If they are the same, that is okay as well. Many people have sexual fantasies that they integrate into their real lives, whereas others keep them just as that - a fantasy - that they tap into during masturbation or with a partner.
In your situation, I would think about the types of people that you find yourself attracted to in your everyday life. When you have crushes or are romantically interested in someone, is it ever a gay guy? Is it usually a straight male? This can be a way for you to identify what might be your preference for a relationship, versus what you like to fantasize about. If you do find yourself sexually attracted to gay men, that can be a little bit trickier in terms of meeting a partner, but we can talk a little more about that below.
Additionally, I'd suggest you think about what it is in gay relationships you're seeing in porn and other media that you envy.
Is it the physical aspect of two men loving each other? Or is it how you see them interact and treat each other? Relationship dynamics that might be represented in gay relationships can occur in any relationship. It doesn't matter what type of genitals you have or who you are attracted to. While being sexually attracted to a romantic partner is important within sexual relationships, I want you to think about other things that are important to you within a relationship, as these will likely be just as big factors in your happiness with your future partners as what anyone's sexual interests are at any given time.
You mention that you think that guys get more sexual pleasure than girls. Just to keep things in perspective, you might find it interesting to know that the clitoris actually has twice as many nerve endings as the penis! We all experience sexual pleasure differently, but biologically speaking, people with clitorises can experience quite a lot of pleasure, not just through their genitals but through their entire bodies. You might be interested in reading With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body to get a breakdown of how different bodies experience pleasure, quite often in similar ways. Ultimately, what kind of genitals we have actually often has very little to do with how much pleasure we experience sexually.
It might also be worth remembering, if you're feeling jealous of the physical enjoyment you're seeing in gay porn, that porn is very often quite different from real life sex. Not better, not worse, just different, and it's not necessarily fair to ourselves to compare ourselves to porn actors or scenarios. Just like, say, it doesn't make a lot of sense to base our realities or ideas about realities on Harry Potter books.
You sound like you are comfortable with your genitals, which is fantastic, but it can also be helpful to really appreciate how our bodies respond to different sensations and enjoy sexual pleasure.
So now that you know that there is nothing weird or wrong with being attracted to gay men, what now?
You might find that you like to keep your attraction to gay men as a fantasy, but are ultimately attracted to straight men when it comes to being in a relationship. In that case, watching gay porn or reading gay erotica for pleasure might meet your needs in exploring your sexual interest in gay men. You might find that a partner would be interested in role-playing with you or acting out your fantasies as well, but still identify as a straight male.
However, if you find that being sexually attracted to gay men is more than a fantasy, and is something that is important that you explore in a sexual relationship, it is possible to meet partners that you are sexually attracted to and that are also sexually attracted to you. Being in a romantic relationship with a 100% gay man is unlikely to make either of you happy if he is not attracted to you, but many men who identify as queer or bisexual enjoy sex with both men and women, or with people of all different gender identities.
Finding a sexual partner that you are attracted to, that is attracted to men, and is also attracted to you might not be easy, depending on the community that you are in. Many people find it hard to meet partners, and they might have more general desires or attractions. However, that doesn't mean it is impossible! It can take some work, but finding a community in which you feel welcome and belong to, such as various LGBT groups, can also be a great way to meet potential partners.
I just want to repeat that everyone is different, and sexuality can be really complex. There is nothing wrong with being confused about your sexuality, and that what really matters in a relationship is that both you and your partner are happy and fulfilled.
Below are some resources that you might find helpful to you.
I'm a Straight Girl, but Wish I Were a Gay Guy...
Scarleteen Message Board: Gender Issues
The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone
Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer
Big questions about gender identity, sexual orientation and sexual fantasy
He's Queer, I'm Straight, and It's Great Except...
10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)