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His Mom Walked In: Does She Hate Me Now?

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MrszJenkinsz asks:

I was at my boyfriend’s house a couple days ago and his parents left to bring his nephew to a race car show or something like that. While they were gone, we decided to have intercourse. His mother walked in the house to find us in his bed having sex. I was so embarrassed; I put my clothes on and just laid there. I didn't say one word after that, I just kind of sat on the floor and cried. I called to get a ride home immediately but now I'm scared she's going to tell my grandmother who is my guardian and I can tell her myself. I want to know how I should tell my grandmother I'm sexually active and if I should write a letter to his mother apologizing. I feel she might hate me now. I don't know what to do...

Stephanie replies:

Everyone will have a time in their life when they are embarrassed for someone “catching” them doing something. You can rest assured that you and your boyfriend are not the only people to have a parent walk in on you during sex.

Let’s take a moment first and consider timing. Sex of any kind is something that you want to make sure you have time and privacy for. When you know there’s a chance for someone to come home, then you’ll often find that you’re rushing to avoid being interrupted. Sex is about pleasure – and this rushing can have a lot of effects on this pleasure. First, when rushing you may find that you’re not fully aroused and ready to have sex. This can mean that sex just doesn’t feel as good as if you were fully aroused, and it can also mean that sex doesn’t feel good at all. With this may also come problems with him being able to enter you, or intercourse in general being painful because you aren’t relaxed enough.

Too, when you’re not completely into sex at any given time – chances are it’s not likely to be a pleasurable experience. It’s really hard to be totally focused on sex and pleasure when you’re listening for any signs of someone walking into the house. When this is the case, you tend to hear every sound the house makes and the listening becomes more of a nuisance. The same can be said about a parent or someone else actually walking in on you. That’s definitely one way of having the mood ruined very quickly. I’m not mentioning this as a tsk-tsk type of thing, or a way to judge anyone – simply that I want to help you consider this from that position as well.

So where do you go from here … you start with talking to your boyfriend about this if you haven’t done so already. Ask for his feelings on having had his mother walk in when she did, and also take some time to verbalize your own feelings. While you were embarrassed and he likely understood that you were upset because you were crying, he may not know that you are also worried that your grandmother will be approached with this, that you want to talk with her yourself, or that you feel like approaching his mom at this point would be a good idea.

Some parents would rather if you’re going to be having sex you do so in the house so they know you’re safe, some others are okay as long as they don’t know it’s happening, while yet others would rather you not have sex in their house or feel you shouldn’t be having sex at all. Because he knows his mother, he will likely be able to shed some light on what her views are. I really don’t think she hates you, and though I don’t know what her reaction was she was probably more surprised to walk in while you were having sex.

Put yourself in her shoes for a minute – if you walked in and found your son and his girlfriend having sex, how would you feel? I’m sure you’d be surprised as well, but is it something that would really make you hate him or his girlfriend? However you react may make it seem that way to him, her, or both of them – when likely you just didn’t realize how your reaction was interpreted by them. In the same, after talking to him you can both bring this up to her together in a way that best suits her personality and each of yours – whether that be a letter, talking to her together, him talking to her, etc. By doing this, you can meet on common ground, allow everyone to explain their feelings, and thus work through everything in a calm mature manner. It might help as well to explain to her that you would rather it be you that talks to your grandmother about this/ your choosing to have sex. Also, you’ll want to make sure you discuss how to choose times when you’re both okay with having sex, and know that you have the time and privacy.

As per talking to your grandmother, you want to make sure that you’re both in a neutral place; somewhere you’re comfortable and not likely to be disturbed. How you talk with her is going to deal a lot with your own personality – but starting with “I have something important I’d like to talk to you about.” Or simply something like “Can we talk?” can set the stage that you want to discuss something and that it’s something you feel is important to talk about. Remember talk talking about sex can cause some feelings for each party as well, and you may be a bit embarrassed or nervous, but that’s okay and totally normal. You’ll likely find that once you initiate the conversation with her, the rest will be a bit easier.

I've added a couple of links for you to check out as well.

written 13 Feb 2009 . updated 24 Jan 2014

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