Skip to main content

He wants to wait: I can't!

Share |
Yesenia asks:

We are both virgins but he wants to wait until marriage. I can't wait. I get too horny and I'm tired of having to rely on myself to take care of my sexual needs. He's just afraid of sex. He won't even say the word and he's 22. I tried talking to him but it doesn't work.

Usually the guy wants to have sex and the girl wants to wait but it's the opposite way around for us. What should I do. Should I just be demanding and go for what I want because I think that's what I'm going to end up doing. Help please!

Heather Corinna replies:

If he wants to wait until marriage and you don't or feel you can't, then this isn't the person for you to be pursuing a sexual relationship with, because you two very obviously have strongly conflicting wants and needs. Talking to him isn't likely to net the results you want, either -- if he's solid on this, what's to talk about, after all? And if you're trying to talk him OUT of that, that's just not cool, just like it isn't cool for men to try and talk women into having sex when they don't want to, aren't ready to, or when it isn't going to happen in the environment they need it to for their own reasons.

You know, even though yes, for a few reasons -- plenty of which are cultural, and based in cultural pressures on men -- it usually is women more reticent about sex than men, that doesn't mean something is wrong with him (or with you.) And nothing makes it okay for anyone of any gender to pressure anyone, of any gender, into sex.

So no, by no means should you just "go for what you want" sexually when the other person is clearly nonconsenting and making clear -- for whatever reason, as any is valid -- that that isn't what they want. Forcing sex on someone nonconsenting is rape and sexual assault, no matter what sex you are or they are, and trying to coerce or pressure someone else into sex is never okay. I can't encourage you enough not to do any of those things to someone else.

Like I said, it's pretty clear you're dealing with a big time sexual incompatibility here. It's perfectly okay that you DO want a sexual relationship and do not want to wait until marriage, but that means that what you need in a partner is someone who wants that as well. If that isn't this guy, and this is a big issue for you, and something that's vital for you in a relationship, then what you probably need to do is let this one go -- shift to a platonic friendship if you like -- so you both can move on to a partner where there is compatibility.

written 14 Jun 2007 . updated 06 Dec 2012

Please notify us of any inappropriate ads