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He wants oral sex, but I don't want to give it.

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Jessica asks:

He wants oral sex but I don't like to give it. What should I do?

Heather Corinna replies:

Say you don't really dig giving oral sex. That really is all there is to it.

Very few people like to do EVERYTHING there is to do sexually. I bet your boyfriend doesn't like to do everything any given partner of his might or will want to do, either. Maybe it's that he doesn't really like someone playing with his bottom, maybe he's not so big on spending time with breasts, maybe he isn't into deep vulval massage, maybe he won't really want to call the partner "Daddy," who wants to be called that.

Everyone gets to have their own likes and dislikes with sexual activities, for whatever given reason they have those preferences, and absolutely no one is obligated to do EVERYTHING, or to do everything a given partner does. Partnered sex is about working out the common denominators in what any two people BOTH like to do and both enjoy.

Certainly, some people have some things which they really really love, and it's a bummer if a given partner doesn't feel the same way. And now and then, someone loves doing something sexual so much that if a partner doesn't, they might decide they need to seek out a new partner who does like it.

But most of the time, just because someone doesn't like doing only one given thing doesn't make a couple sexually incompatible, and doesn't mean that not being able to do that one thing is somehow going to tank a whole relationship.

It's much more likely for a relationship to self-destruct because any given partner can't accept that sex together is something to work out bearing both people's likes in mind, or doesn't respect it easily when one partner doesn't want to do something.

You don't like giving oral sex, or haven't yet, and that's totally okay. In the chance that there are simply specific things about it you don't like, or ways you've been involved with it before that involve elements that aren't okay with you, know that with any sexual activity, you always get to be specific when need be. If, for example, you had a previous partner who held your head during oral sex and you don't like that, or who made it some sort of obligation or duty, or who wasn't treating your mouth with care and kindness, if it is something you want to do, then you tell your partner your limits with oral sex.

But if you just plain don't like it -- or just don't want to do it for any reason, even if you HAVE liked it -- you tell your partner that, and you two work out what you DO both like, and create a sex life where both of you are both feeling good about what you're doing.

These links might help you both to do that:

written 07 Nov 2007 . updated 18 Jan 2009

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