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He wants me to be a freak, but I just want to lay there.

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Anonymous asks:

I have been with my boyfriend for a while but am shy too have sex. I just lay there without making any noises and I don't do any positions and I also make him turn off the lights so I won't see him an he won't see me. I wanna break out of my shell, he cares about me a lot but I am scared he is going to leave because there is no excitement in our sex life. I WANT him to enjoy me I care about him a lot and I don't want to lose him. I WANT to be a freak in bed and make him want to have sex with me he doesn't even wanna have sex because he says am boring. I don't wanna do anything but lay there. Thank you.

Heather Corinna replies:

No one should have to do anything sexually that doesn't feel natural and right for them in order to keep a partner. And if your partnership really hinges on being " a freak" in bed, or behaving in a way your boyfriend wants, but just isn't really you or about you, you really, truly are better off without him.

Honestly, what I'm hearing is that it sounds like sex at all right now isn't really something you feel ready for. You're not comfortable being seen nude or seeing your partner nude, and you're also really not participating in sex, likely because a) YOU aren't really enjoying sex and b) you're just not at a point yet where you feel comfortable. In other words, from the sounds of things, you're trying very hard to be unaware of what's going on and not really take part, and that's a pretty scary thing to agree to do when it comes to sex.

Sex with a partner is supposed to be about sharing something both people want, and want for it's own sake, not to try and keep someone around, or to keep someone wanting them. Some folks -- particularly younger people and shy people, as you say you are -- just take longer to get comfortable enough for sex with a partner and there is not anything wrong with that. We all have our own timetables, and no one is better than another.

When you really ARE ready, and also really are with someone you feel comfortable enough around for sexual intimacy, even if you're a bit nervous at first, you will feel okay being nude, and you will feel active, not passive. You will very strongly want to see how your partner looks nude and want to touch them and be touched by them. Even for very shy people, when they're ready for sex, and ready for it with a given partner, however nervewracking it can be at first, they'll feel free to take some risks of being vulnerable in front of that one person.

I agree that a partner "just laying there," isn't okay, but not in the way your boyfriend is positing this. It's not okay because someone that passive is the person you're supposed to say -- the very first time it happens and ever after -- "Hey, you're clearly not into this right now. No problem. Let's do something else tonight, okay?" to. NOT "You bore me." That's just insensitive and uncaring: you're supposed to be a partner, not there for someone's sexual service.

He should be communicating with you to find out if you're really, truly okay with all of this and making clear that he wants to be sure he's waiting until you are. THAT is how a partner who cares for you behaves. As well? Sex should be exciting enough just because someone you really are into is there having it with you: no one should feel the need to perform -- it's about expressing yourself, not about putting on an act or a show for someone else's benefit. When BOTH people really want to be having sex together, really want to be close, really want to share something, you don't have to work hard to make it exciting, because that's pretty exciting all by itself. (Maybe it's not exciting for YOU -- if it was, you'd be taking part -- because love him as you do, you don't love him in THAT way, or aren't that excited BY him? We don't necessarily have sexual chemistry with everyone we love or who loves us.)

Sex clearly isn't feeling good for you right now, not emotionally, and I'm betting not physically, either. And if sex isn't feeling good in both of those respects, it not only makes no sense to be having it, it can really cause some emotional wear and tear, which isn't something that should happen with an activity that is supposed to be about getting close and all partners experiencing pleasure through. And while, when you really are ready, and really do feel okay about all of this, you won't be just lying there and will want to see some of what's happening, given you're shy, you may well also not be a "freak." How a person is sexually has to do with their personality, and some people are quieter partners who prefer sex that doesn't look like it's happening on the set of a porn video. That's also completely okay, and again, just one way in which people differ a lot when it comes to sexuality. If the sexual partner you're with wants to be with YOU, the only person they'll want you to act like is yourself.

So, what I'd suggest is that you have a chat with your guy. If he does really care and you do have a good relationship where he cares deeply for you, you should be able to say that you're trying to do something that isn't happening naturally yet, and that you may need some more time to become comfortable with before you do. I'd strongly suggest taking a break from any kind of sex where you aren't 100% into it and aren't very strongly wanting to engage in it actively: if that's none, once more, that is FINE. He should not be a big jerk about this when you say it, because a good partner who really wants sex to be about both people won't want to be having it if one person isn't really into it. Heck, for all I know, he was trying to tell you that but just was a creep in the way he said it in terms of telling you you're boring. If he IS giving you room to take your time, you have to trust that, rather than feeling you need to force yourself to do something you don't really feel ready for yet, and aren't really part of.

And if he won't give you that room, or doesn't respond with sensitivity and care to this? Tough as breakups can be, I swear, you really are better off holding out for a partner who WILL truly take you into consideration in this respect and only want to be having sex with you when you're completely ready. Because if you're not with one, that may be a big part of WHY you aren't feeling ready or wanting to be an active part of sex right now, and that's a sensible way to feel when the person you're having sex with isn't making sex together about both your needs, wants and healthy pacing.

But the only sensible thing to do in that case -- for your body, mind and heart -- is to stop having sex with that person, period.

I'm going to toss you a few links, including one to our readiness checklist so you can suss more of this out for yourself. In the event that I'm off-base here and you really, really, REALLY do think you're ready, but are having such extreme shyness that getting close to someone wonderful (though again, the "you're boring" stuff does pretty much kick him out of the wonderful-guy category) who cares about you like nobody's business is just not possible for you, then what I'd suggest is talking to a counselor about social and sexual anxiety. But I've got to tell you, having spoken with plenty of very shy people over the years about these issues, the way you're posting sounds a lot more like you're just not ready yet -- and maybe that's because this guy really isn't right for you, and your instincts are trying to tell you something -- than this being just about shyness.

written 20 Dec 2007 . updated 19 Jan 2009

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