Hi, i'm seventeen years old and i've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. We've waited all this time and finally think we are ready to have sex. We are both virgins too. The other night we were both finally ready to have sex and even while making out and the foreplay, he couldn't get hard. He asked me to give him head for a little, hoping he would get hard, but it just wouldn't. After the whole ordeal, he said he was just nervous and had been thinking too much about it all day before he even came to my house. I'm just so confused and a little upset about the whole situation. Why did this happen? Is it really nerves? I need answers! Thanks.

Dear Confused & Upset,

Let's see what we can do about taking a situation that was upsetting for the two of you, and turning it into something that puts you ahead of other couples who didn't have this kind of problem.

First, it sounds like you might be one of those people who feel that we guys are supposed to have robo-penises that are always hard, always ready and never ever succumb to life's little pressures.

Perhaps it might help if you tried to trade places with your boyfriend's body for a moment. It's your "first time," and all you've been thinking about all day is if your penis will get hard, and if it won't how you'll feel like a total failure. Imagine if all eyes were on your penis as they were on his the other night, and unlike a girl, there's no way you can fake it because everyone can see it and feel it. And if you sense a bit of anxiety, keep in mind that as far as an erection is concerned, anxiety is like a bucket of ice water thrown between your legs.

The good news is that your boyfriend appears to be a bit sensitive, which is a good thing to be in life. And it doesn't sound like he tried to deal with his anxiety by getting the two of you drunk before you tried having intercourse, as a lot of couples seem to do. The only bad news, from what I can tell, is that he didn't switch gears and go down on you instead. That's one of the little tricks we guys learn when we can't get it up--that there are lots of really wonderful ways to please a partner besides what you can or can't do with your penis.

Unfortunately, you are doing what a lot of women do: you seem to be taking it all personally, as if it's a sign that you somehow aren't sexy or attractive. This pretty much takes his feelings out of the equation and turns the focus totally on you.

Please, believe him. He really is telling you the truth. And what worries me is that he might be even more anxious next time, given how the situation is now even more loaded, and how all four of your eyes will be even more focused on what does and doesn't happen between his legs. So maybe the next four or five times you are wanting to be physically intimate, I'd suggest that you DON'T try to have intercourse. In fact, I'd make that a rule, so he can feel comfortable having erections around you. Then, talk about trying to have intercourse again in a few weeks or months.

And do be sure to tell him that it's perfectly normal for a guy not to be able to get it up, especially when he's nervous, and especially when it's his first time. In fact, no matter how much experience a man has had, there are plenty of us who have erection problems the first couple of times we are with a new partner, no matter how turned-on we our by our partner and how desperately we want to have intercourse.

The good thing is that this situation might force the two of you to talk about your feelings, and to communicate about sex in ways that a lot of other couples never do. It can be a way of bringing you closer, and a way of helping you to learn that being able to talk about your sexual feelings and concerns is far more important than all of the erections or wet vaginas you may or may not have in life.

Best wishes,

Paul
author of "Guide To Getting It On!"

if you are interested in Paul's book:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1885535694/goofyfootpres