My girlfriend and I share many fantasies etc. all the time. Yesterday, she told me that, quite often, when she's fantasizing while masturbating, as she approaches orgasm she begins to be the man, having something sexual done to his/her/its penis, and that when she's coming, she's envisioning the penis ejaculating (which I'm sure is normal) and that SHE is the bearer of the ejaculating penis! I know I've read over and over again on related sites (like jackinworld) that fantasizing about the same sex during masturbation is common and healthy, but I've never seen anything about this! Is this normal too, or should I be wondering whether she's transsexual/transgendered (whether she realizes it or not)??

Dear Puzzled,

Many congratulations that you've created a safe enough space with your girlfriend so the two of you can share your sexual fantasies. That takes a lot of trust, and partners who are trustworthy.

As a shrink type, I read some pretty detailed stuff on transgender--mostly from TGs, therapists and professor types. The one thing I've learned is that gender is a very complex subject, and labels usually don't help. For instance, do any of the women you know ever wear guys' shirts, boxers, or ties? Or what about guys who wear earrings or who have nipple piercings? Depending on how you define it, this could be a form of transgender or gender bending. (Not so long ago, women who wanted to go to college were considered to have gender problems!) Also keep in mind that when a person is exploring the boundaries of gender, she or he is likely to imagine what it's like to have the genitals of the other sex. This doesn't mean they actually want to change sex--most of the time, it's just a fantasy that they enjoy.

So why not sidestep the labels and try to enjoy each other's way of enjoying sex, as long as you are both comfortable with it? Assuming you are having sex and it is legal for you to be doing so in your state, you might explore with your girlfriend if there are ways to engineer things so she can better imagine she is "the bearer of your ejaculating penis" when she is coming. For one couple, this might be allowing the woman to have her hand on you in a way that helps her to feel like your penis is her penis. Other couples who are seriously into mixing it up rolewise might enjoy a practice called 'pegging'*. And some women who are very feminine occasionally like to go out while 'packing'**.

On the other hand, your girlfriend's enjoyment of pretending she has a penis might make you feel uncomfortable. This isn't much different than when one partner enjoys oral sex and the other doesn't. It doesn't mean anyone is weird--just that there are different things that turn you on. It might be a difference that the two of you are OK with, or it might be a relationship breaker.

*PEGGING--when a girl does her guy in the rear with a dildo, usually involves her wearing a harness that holds the D in place

**PACKING--when a woman who is cross-dressing wears a penis-shaped object in her pants to make it look like she is well hung. More realistic when made of a soft material rather than silicone (a good packing device does not make a good dildo).

Best wishes,

Paul
author of "Guide To Getting It On!"

if you are interested in Paul's book:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1885535694/goofyfootpres