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First intercourse was horrible, and I think it ruined my genitals.

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Anonymous asks:

I did it for the fist time and it was horrible, my partner just went fast and hard and deep until he was done and I wasn't even aroused well...my private is huge now and I do not feel sex with my current partner, it's been three months now, could a person be ripped or torn unnatural although it's a vagina and made for sex with a man? Do I just need to wait a long time before doing it again? Is there a such thing as being torn or ripped and heal back and not get back the natural elasticity of my vagina? I mean I had to dig into my skin bite my fingers and hold my breath from the pain, I don't think that is normal.....help please I'm very worried about this!

Heather Corinna replies:

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience.

However, please understand that that bad experience did not likely cause permanent changes to your vulva or vagina. While certainly, if you'd had an intact or partially intact hymen, that could have caused a tear to that tissue, that's a normal effect with vaginal entry, and not something problematic. On the other hand, something like a tear to your perineum could occur with very forced or violent intercourse. And if you had a partner who was that rough and self-centered when it came to intercourse, then it certainly is normal to feel a lot of pain.

But even completely forced intercourse cannot increase the size of your genitals. However, if you are and have been having continuous swelling, what is possible is that you contracted an infection from that sex, or, if you sustained an injury, an infection due to that injury. If you haven't yet visited your gynecologist or sexual healthcare clinic to have a screening, and just to get looked at so that you have an answer to this question, it's past time to do that. There's just no good reason to suffer in silence and worry about your health when you can have an answer with likely just one visit.

What's also possible is that what happened was traumatic enough for you -- and that certainly sounds possible -- that you're not getting aroused with the introduction of sex or other intercourse, because you have such a negative association, or are fearful or worried throughout, and that will make a difference with your sensation.

I want to be clear: it's pretty iffy to suggest that a vagina was "made for sex with a man." Certainly, the vagina is meant to accommodate things being inside of it, and that can include a penis. But I worry that when you say that, and from the way you're describing this experience, that you aren't taking into account that for intercourse to be pleasurable as well as comfortable, certain things have to be going on. Genital tissue is delicate, and it's really not designed for someone to just go at it like a battering ram. When a partner is doing something that hurts or just doesn't feel good, you have to pipe up and say something, directly, and they should be listening to that directive and responding in kind, immediately. With your first partner, if you had told him to slow down and be more gentle -- or to just plain stop intercourse -- then he would have needed to listen to you. If that partner does not, then that is a sexually abusive situation.

There's nothing the matter with your vagina or vulva -- or any reason to suspect or suggest that you have some sort of design flaw -- because intercourse then or now isn't pleasant for you. If a partner is very rough and is not attentive to your needs and experience, the problem lies with them. If intercourse all by itself doesn't feel so great, or doesn't feel like much at all, that's not a design flaw either: most of the vagina is not rich with nerve endings the way that other parts of the vulva are, and for a majority of women, intercourse all by itself really doesn't feel like much. Too, this is also obviously influenced by the size of what's being inserted into the vagina: it's normal to feel less sensation from a thinner penis than a thicker one.

I also want to make sure you understand that vaginal intercourse is optional, not required. Just like oral sex is an option and not a requirement, or a man receiving anal sex is an option, not a requirement, such is the case with intercourse. If it's not feeling good to you, or not something you want, you don't have to do it, nor will your sex life be missing out on something huge. You can do whatever other sexual activities DO feel good and, of course, also doing none at all is always an option. If you still feel very traumatized by sex or a certain kind of sex, completely avoiding it may, in fact, be your best option for now.

So, start with seeing a sexual healthcare provider. Schedule an exam and a full STI screening, and tell them all of what you've told me here. Make sure you don't have swelling due to an infection you need to treat: that's less important per enjoying intercourse than it is for safeguarding your health. An untreated infection can compromise the health of your whole body, as well as your reproductive system, so in the off-chance that you've been walking around with an untreated infection for months, that's a substantial health risk you need to manage.

Once you do that, and either find out what's wrong and get treated, or find out that nothing at all is wrong, and know for sure, then figure out what you want in terms of sex. If you do actually want to engage in intercourse, be sure you're communicating with your partner, that you're incorporating other sexual activities for you as well that are about more than vaginal entry, and that you're only doing what does feel good for you, and nixing what just doesn't. And if your current partner isn't paying attention to your directives either, then that needs to be fixed: have a talk with him if you need to.

I'm also tossing a few links your way I think may be of help:

written 30 Aug 2007 . updated 22 Jan 2014

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