I'm a 17 year old male, and when I'm with my girlfriend, I can't always get an erection, and it doesn't always stay up. Also, I am an uncircumcised male, and when my girlfriend rolls back the skin and touches the head of my penis or when she gives me a blowjob, it feels really sensitive, almost to the point where it hurts to touch it. Is this normal?

Dear Alex,

So, you're not one of these always-hard, always ready, robo-penis guys that most of us think we should be! Welcome to the club.

One question I have for you is if you are able to have solid erections that last for a decent amount of time when you are all by yourself with your favorite fantasies? If you do, then your plumbing is most likely in excellent shape. If not, then I might encourage you to check in with a urologist at some point, just to make sure there isn't something physical going on. For instance, some guys who are competitive bike riders (riding hours each week) can suffer a form of penis damage where they can usually get erections, but their erections don't last for long. This is why I and a number of urologists encourage competitive riders to use no-nose bike saddles (click here for a listing of manufacturers).

Assuming your plumbing is fine and you truly want to have sex with your girlfriend, then I'd wonder what you mean by "I can't always get an erection, and it doesn't always stay up." If you are talking about ten or twenty per cent of the time, then I'd think it's no big deal. But if you are talking about half of the time or more, then I'd be a bit concerned about some of the emotional things that might be going on. For instance, let's say you are sexually aroused by your girlfriend, your relationship is respectful and mutually supportive, and you aren't always trying to have sex in the closet next to her parents' bedroom where her dad keeps all of his shot guns. Then I'd want to know more about your anxiety or if certain fears might be looming large. It could be something as basic as a concern that she'll get pregnant, or it could be an increasing spiral or worry that your penis won't get or stay hard, as well as a few hundred other things.

If you think that emotional issues might be causing the problem, then I'd encourage you to visit a counselor or therapist to see if you can get a handle on what might be percolating in the recesses of your mind.

At the same time, I'd tell you that these situations are a great excuse for you and your girlfriend to work on ways of pleasing each other sexually that don't rely on a hard penis. If you are doing that, then you might be better off in the long haul than couples where the guy always gets it up, and the entire sexual tempo centers around his erections.

I'd also caution you that being 17 still puts you at the start of a long and wonderful journey, so I wouldn't put too much stock into a sometimes tenuous erection that is just starting to learn its way in the often times mysterious world of love and sex.

Regarding the sensitivity of your uncircumcised penis, I don't consider this abnormal at all. Some guys who are circumcised have the same issue, especially right after they ejaculate and the head of their penis can be so sensitive that it hurts to keep thrusting during intercourse. I do think it is important that you talk to your girlfriend about it, and that the two of you work on ways for her to give you oral pleasure without crossing the line into pain. You might even find it more enjoyable if she just focuses on the shaft of your penis in the frenulum area that's just below the head.

It's funny how we automatically assume that a man needs to learn from a woman what feels best when he goes down on her, but we don't make the same assumption about women going down on guys. I think a lot of guys would enjoy oral sex more if they and their girlfriends placed a higher value on giving and receiving feedback from each other.

Best wishes,

Paul
author of "Guide To Getting It On!"

if you are interested in Paul's book:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1885535694/goofyfootpres